March 3, 1970 (71)
Angel, my sweet Angel—my wife forever,
It is Tuesday night, 9h13 PM, and I do not want to go to bed
without writing you a proper letter. Tonight, I will write more than a simple
aerogram. As last week, since all my aerograms are in my office, I stopped by
Odette’s after work and found your letter sent from Anasuya’s place waiting for
me. This letter, therefore, will be my reply to yours.
First, darling, I am extremely happy because we can now be
certain that New Delhi has received my application on your behalf and has begun
all the procedures for your Canadian permanent visa.
This is very good news and means we can hope to be reunited
by the end of April, or the beginning of May.
As for the question of my laicization: now, the people in
Canada have nothing more to do; my case is in the hands of Rome. I hope the
process moves quickly. I urge you to pray hard for this intention. It is so
important to us!
The above is what I mentioned in my last letter, which I
wrote over Friday and Saturday. However, instead of mailing it myself, I gave
it to Odette to post who accidentally delayed sending it until Sunday. Because
of this oversight, I am making a promise to myself: from now on, I will
personally mail my letters to ensure they reach you without any delay.
Regarding the money, tomorrow I will call my bank long
distance to find out the exact whereabouts of the check sent to Anasuya. It
should be in your hands by now and I am concerned that it is not. I will investigate
this tomorrow.
On the big question of my work and my travels: Angel, I want
to be open and honest with you. Since starting my work with CCIC, I have
traveled to Montreal twice, each time for an evening meeting. I used these
opportunities to spend a bit more time with my parents. Living with you, I
could have made the trip to Montreal on Monday morning, returning Tuesday
morning, or even after the Monday meeting, traveling home in the night. On the
second trip, I visited Montreal last Sunday afternoon to spend time with my
mother and father, stayed until Monday night for my meeting, and returned this
morning—I was at my desk in Ottawa by 10h00 AM. So, Angel, na jeevam, we cannot
talk about traveling two or three times a week. This week and the next, I will
remain in Ottawa. That is the present situation.
As for the rest, you are right—I do not want to be the kind
of Husband who comes home only to eat, watch TV, read the newspaper, and go to
bed. I want to be your companion every moment. I want us to discuss my work,
and you will have much to contribute. I want to hear about what you have done,
to share thoughts and learn about Indian culture, languages—everything. I want
both of us to stay in a state of search, always growing together, exploring
life and ourselves.
 |
| Angel and Angela - Baguio, Philippines, 1969 |
I agree completely: otherwise, our life would become dull,
and our love could stop growing and even die. You are not being sentimental
about this—on the contrary, you are very reasonable and logical, which I love
about you. Paradoxically, you are both logical and sentimental, and I cherish
both qualities in you. Please, never change.
Regarding your last letter and my reaction when I learned
you had spoken at length with another man, I must admit I felt jealousy. If I
described this feeling to you, it was out of honesty and sincerity with both me
and you.
I recall a similar feeling you expressed at EAPI when I
spoke to Bernadette. At the time, it was hard for me to understand, because my
love for you is so strong that all other women mean nothing to me.
Sometimes, I felt something similar when you spoke to Dan or
even Uli, but I could not name it as jealousy. However, when I read about your
conversation with Anasuya’s friend, the feeling was stronger—a kind of
jealousy. Strange thoughts entered my mind. If I share this, it is not because
I doubt your faithfulness—never, darling—but it is my way of understanding your
feelings at EAPI and of putting temptation on paper. True love does include
jealousy, but this feeling should be overcome, as jealousy is directed at
oneself or another, not at the beloved. By overcoming jealousy, I renew my love
for you. Do you agree with this way of thinking?
It is 10h10 PM. I am very tired, but it does not matter. I
am glad, because each word I write now is proof of my love for you. I feel so
close to you while writing—proving my love—and I know when I go to bed tonight,
after turning out the lights and looking once more at your photo, you will
return in my dreams to fill my loneliness, receptive—as you wrote—to my love,
kisses, caresses, and to my whole self.
Angel, I love you; you are mine forever, and all other women
are mere shadows compared to you. You are unique. I long and crave for you. I
am yours for life eternal. Take me, darling, and do as you wish with me—I will
always be happy, if you are happy. Your happiness is my happiness.
With this letter, I will mail my surprise—two good pictures
of myself, taken two weeks ago by a professional photographer. I hope you like
them; of course, they are far nicer than the living model! I hope you will not
be disappointed when you see me in person at the airport. At the very least, my
heart is good (I think) and yours, totally.
Sending you a long, warm, tender, sweet, strong, passionate,
and generous embrace—your loving Husband,
André in love with you, immensely
March 7, 1970 (72)
My sweet, lovable, great, adorable "nice" Angel,
Today was an exceptionally busy day. I returned from work
around 6h00 PM, feeling both exhausted and exhilarated. The publicity materials
I wrote in English and French for the "Miles for Millions" campaign
finally arrived from the printing press. With the deadline looming, I rushed to
ensure that everything was mailed to all Canadian communities across the
country. My morning was spent almost entirely in a recording studio, producing
a tape for the campaign intended for Canada’s broadcasting stations. Despite
the busy schedule, I now find happiness and comfort alone in my apartment,
knowing I can be with you in spirit.
Last night, before going to bed, I created a
"montage" of our pictures. I placed one of my new small photos in the
lower part of our golden frame, then added your photo—the one where you were
photographed with your sister, waist up. Hoping your sister wouldn't mind, I
divided the photo so that you are alone in it, and affixed it to a small white
carton, slightly smaller than my own photo. Now, in our golden frame, our
photos are side by side, equal in size, forming a beautiful couple. I look strong
and manly, while you appear sweet, bright, and very feminine. Anyone who views
these pictures would immediately see that we complement each other, just like
the Yin and Yang of Chinese philosophy.
This evening, I had supper with Odette. René had not yet
returned from work when I left at about 7h30. Julie was adorable, and I am
grateful for the friendship I share with them.
For some reason, children seem to be drawn to me, even when
they might be shy around others. Julie has learned to trust me; recently, I
taught her the meaning of "Donne" (give), and now she happily shares
what she has in her hand. I believe this is a good way to teach a child not to
be selfish. With me, she also learned to say "papa," overcoming her
difficulty with the "P" sound, and now she associates the word with
René. Two days ago, for the first time, Julie stood up by herself and took a
few steps before falling. Tonight, she was walking everywhere—still unsteady
but so pleased with herself. Watching her progress, I couldn’t help but imagine
our own child taking his first steps someday. My heart swelled with
anticipation, knowing that seeing our child’s milestones will be even more
marvelous.
Odette and René have been incredibly kind to me. I often
join them for supper and feel a bit shy because they never want anything in
return. I tried offering Odette money for the week I stayed with them and for
the meals I shared, but she always refused. She even washes my clothes. Knowing
they enjoy going to the movies on Saturday nights, I offered to babysit
Julie—twice they accepted. I try to reciprocate their generosity by helping
when I can. Though they help me much more now, I promise that if they ever need
our help in the future, we will be there for them. Is that alright, darling?
Tomorrow, Saturday, Monique, Jacques, and Marie Christine
are coming to Hull. Odette is especially happy about this visit. The
relationship between Odette and Monique reminds me of the warm and close bond
you share with your sister. Jacques, whom you will get to know, is attentive,
prudent, and quite conservative—a typical government functionary. He dislikes
risks and adventure, so visiting Hull is a big undertaking for him. Odette is
excited and has cleaned the house and prepared special food for the occasion.
Speaking of food, Odette has started a collection of Indian
recipes in anticipation of your arrival. She wants to be ready for you. When
will that be, darling? Now you have a better sense of how long it will take.
They estimated three months, and since I applied for your visa on January 30th,
I expect to have it by April 30th. I hope by then you will have your passport
and all other documents ready for your departure from India.
 |
| Mosaic presented to Laurette and Léopold Gingras for their 50th wedding anniversary - 1983 Jean-Guy- Laurette- Léopold - André Monique- Pierre- Robert- Odette |
Darling, I have been pondering a question for a couple of
weeks and wish to ask you directly. If you have all your papers—passport, visa,
and everything needed to come to Canada—but I have not yet received my
laicization, would you still come to Canada, or would you prefer to wait until
I am completely released? Please let me know your wishes in your next letter.
Do not worry about hurting me; I simply want to understand your feelings on
this matter. Above all, I remain hopeful that I will be laicized before your
arrival, trusting in the Lord who has guided us since the beginning of our
love.
It is already late, but I wish to finish this letter
tonight, even though I will mail it tomorrow when I visit Odette and René,
where Jacques and Monique will be present. I am glad not to be in Montreal
right now, since there is a postal strike there, but here everything is running
normally. How are things on your side? I am a bit anxious, recalling your
previous aerogram that mentioned a possible strike in India. I hope it didn’t
happen. Did you receive my tape, my photos, and the $300? I am waiting anxiously
for your letter confirming their arrival. Did you also receive mother’s letter?
I mailed it myself.
My princess, it is already the beginning of March. I say
"already" because I look to the future, not the past—the days since
our separation at IMA (Editorial note: International Manila airport) have
been unbearably long. But looking ahead, I know that in about two months we
will be together again. I am filled with anticipation and joy at the thought of
holding you in my arms once more. I realize we will have much to discuss and
will need to find our own ways, creating a life together unlike at EAPI, where
we couldn't always be ourselves. Our life together will be exciting,
meaningful, and complete. As you do, we will adjust our pace for each other,
but I promise I will always walk hand in hand with you, united until death and
beyond.
Speaking of our union, I wonder if you could buy a Tala in
India—the one you would like to wear as my wife. Is there also a Tala for the Husband?
If so, perhaps you could buy one for me as well. Of course, we have our own
Tala, our PremAA, but maybe you would like something different. Please let me
know your thoughts in your next letter. I am ready to give you a wedding ring
as is customary in the West, but I find the Indian Tala, especially if there is
one for the Husband too, very meaningful. What do you think?
My love, this letter draws to a close. I feel sad, longing
for the day when I can stop writing letters and instead express my endless love
for you in person—through words, actions, and touch. I yearn to embrace you, to
kiss you, to hold you close in flesh, heart, and soul. Angel, keep smiling and
let us be thankful to the Lord. I love you infinitely. Best regards to all our
parents.
Your Husband, André! PremAA!
March 10, 1970 (73)
Angel, you are everything to me—my whole life, my love, my
wife forever.
It is Tuesday noon, and I have just written a reply to
Anasuya in response to the letter I received from her yesterday. I am pleased
to hear that you visited her home and had a wonderful time. The process for
obtaining your passport and visa is progressing well, which is reassuring.
However, there remains one concern—the $300 cheque. Anasuya
informed me that it has not arrived yet. To address this, I made a
long-distance call this morning to the manager of the bank in Montreal.
According to him, the check was sent to India, addressed to Anasuya, on
February 12th. He expressed surprise that it has not arrived and suggested
there is a slight possibility it may have been stolen en route (though this is
not a major issue, as the check was insured for its full value) or perhaps
delayed somewhere in the postal system. The manager assured me that he would
make further inquiries at the main office and provide an update today.
By Friday, I will review the situation and, if necessary,
cancel the initial check and send a new one. I sincerely hope this resolves the
matter and, most importantly, that you are not in urgent need of the money. If
you had to borrow funds for your trip to Madras, perhaps you can repay the loan
once the cheque arrives.
Angel, I was greatly comforted by Anasuya’s letter, as it
suggests that by the very beginning of May, we will finally be reunited—such
wonderful news. This gives me some clarity regarding the question I asked in my
previous letter: when do you expect to arrive, and would you come even if my
laicization is not yet complete?
Yesterday marked my 36th birthday. Although I did not
receive a letter from you, I am certain it was simply a matter of timing with
the postal service and not your fault; I know you were thinking of me. Monique
gave me a beautiful red woolen sweater she made herself when she and the others
visited Odette and René last weekend. My mother sent me a card with $10
enclosed. Odette made me a birthday cake yesterday, and I enjoyed supper with
Odette, René, and Julie. Their kindness is truly remarkable.
Last night, I returned to my apartment alone and found
myself thinking of you. In my wallet, I still carry the small card made of
coconut fibers, which you wrote for my last birthday. On one side, you wrote:
"My Andre, let your 35th Birthday Bring you the joy to the entire year.
Love, Hope to be with you next year, A2." On the other side: "Smile
God Loves you! I do too!!"
This year, it is my 36th birthday, and I cherish your wishes
for next year, especially since I know they will soon become reality. Angel, my
darling and my only love, take me—I am yours. Take my love, which only grows in
quality. I hold you in my arms as the most precious treasure in the universe,
kissing you with all my affection and passion. Let us be one: na jeevam, na
sarvam.
Your Husband, André
March 13, 1970 (74)
Beloved wife, dearest Angel—my unique, my love, and my
life—how are you today?
It is 2h20 PM, and I am writing to you from Laval
(Montreal), in my parents’ home. I am alone right now; Mother and Father left a
few minutes ago to work at the grocery. Fridays and Saturdays are their busy
days, so I want to finish this letter as soon as possible and get it mailed to
you.
I traveled from Ottawa to Montreal yesterday for a rendez-vous,
and in the evening, attended a meeting. The meeting left me frustrated, as I
confronted someone there who was using a job in international cooperation for
personal gain.
Afterward, I returned to my parents’ home around midnight.
This morning, I took the car to the garage for a check and made several phone
calls related to my work, which means I can avoid another trip downtown today.
So, this afternoon, I can sit at home and write a long letter to you.
Your last letter encouraged me deeply. Now I know for
certain that the Canadian High Commission in India has already communicated
with you. Last week, you had to travel to Madras for your physical exam—my hope
is that the doctor found nothing wrong and that you are in good health. I also
hope that very soon you will have all your papers in order: passport, visa, and
everything else necessary for your journey.
I do have one concern—the $300 check that was sent to you. I
have written to Anasuya about it, and this afternoon, as I mentioned to both
you and Anasuya, I will visit the bank manager to see if we can resolve the
issue and get the money to you as soon as possible.
Tomorrow, I plan to stay and visit Monique, Jacques, and
Marie Christine. With Jacques, I intend to visit a car dealer—we are
considering the possibility of replacing my current car, which is small and
old, though still running well. We are looking at a Toyota, which is not too
expensive and seems of good quality. I do not plan to purchase immediately;
rather, I would prefer to wait for your arrival so we can make the decision
together. Of course, if an opportunity arises to sell my current car at a good
price, I may have to act sooner, but for now, I will rather wait and decide
with you.
 |
| Awaiting Angel - Toyota Crown - André's 2nd car |
Yesterday, Mother asked about your response to her letter. I
told her it brought you great joy, and she was pleased to hear that. Although
she has not met you yet, she has accepted you as her daughter-in-law. She even
offered to have you stay at their home until our wedding. I told her gently,
but firmly, that it would be better for you to stay with Monique or Odette due
to age differences, and she understands perfectly. My hope, though, is that you
would not need to stay with anyone else for more than a week—if only my
laicization were complete.
Laicization—yes, I will only be truly happy when I hold in
my hands the letter from Rome releasing me officially from the priesthood. I
pray every day that this moment comes soon. Angel, my little wife—so great and
beautiful—I feel very lonely most times. It is difficult to keep so much to
myself until your arrival. I long to share daily happiness, joys, and even
sadness with you, to confide in someone dear. But when I return to my
apartment, no matter how many people are present, it feels empty because you
are not there. I change into old clothes, prepare a simple supper (perhaps a
can of soup, bread, and a little meat), and sometimes join Odette and René for
a better meal. After supper, I read a little, watch TV, and think about you.
Around 11h30PM, I go to bed, often reflecting that when you are here, we will
go to bed earlier—since by 9h30 PM, you always look so tired and ready for
sleep. Yet in the morning, like the birds at sunrise, you are fresh and ready
for the day while I am still waking up. Usually, I rise at 7h30 AM, shower,
shave, have a simple breakfast (bread, coffee, butter, honey, cheese), and by 8h00
AM, I am ready for the drive to work. The traffic is heavy, taking about 20
minutes, but by 8h30 AM, I am at my desk starting the day.
On Sunday, I will return to Hull and bring a gift for Julie
from her godparents, Madeleine and her Husband—a very nice rocking chair for
her first birthday on the 17th. Odette plans to bake a big chocolate cake for
Julie, and I expect the one-year-old will create quite a mess! Odette will take
photos, and if they turn out well, I will send one to you. I imagine the day
when our first child turns one—how lovely it will be. At that age, children
become more expressive, start walking, and saying a few words, often reflecting
their parents’ personalities. I picture a boy with black hair, your skin’s
beautiful complexion, big brown eyes, and, of course, very intelligent.
I am glad to hear you have nearly all the documents and
papers you need. Please remember to bring your attestation of teaching years in
India—it is important. To be fully prepared, if we must have a civil marriage
first to provide proof to the immigration office, I will research the
procedures and required documents. I plan to visit the civil marriage office
and gather information.
We will need to: 1) apply, 2) have an interview, 3) wait 20
days, and 4) have the ceremony.
Given the tight timeline, perhaps I could send you the
application forms to complete and sign in India and arrange an interview within
24 hours of your arrival. This way, we could save precious days before the
immigration deadline. I hope, however, that we are not required to have a civil
marriage, as neither of us desires it.
Angel, please extend my gratitude to your brothers, Lourdhu
and Raja, for accompanying you to Madras and New Delhi. My thanks also go to
your parents and all your relatives who have accepted your decision with such
understanding and love. It amazes me that they would give you to me—a stranger
and a foreigner. It is truly wonderful and humbling. You are remarkable, Angel,
and I carry the enormous, yet marvelous, responsibility of making you happy for
the rest of my life. My love for you is strong enough for all sacrifices and
pains. But I ask you, please promise to tell me if you are ever unhappy—so I
can try harder to please you and be completely yours. My gratitude also extends
to Anasuya, who, though she loves you dearly, consents to let you go.
Here in Canada, winter is ending. It has been long and
snowy, but the sun is stronger, the snow is melting, and the crows have
returned. Spring is on the doorstep, and everything is preparing for your
arrival. I, too, have been preparing myself since our separation in Manila. The
world feels like a long waiting room—a dream that will end when I see you step
off the plane in your sari, and I can hold you in my arms again. I imagine your
arrival at night, perhaps because my own return years ago was at midnight. That
night, I was alone, but when you arrive, we will be one—life will resume its
true course.
Angel, my darling—na Premam—come closer, lean on me, let us
become one. Let me cherish you like a precious gem, shower you with countless
caresses, invent new symbols of love for you, and kiss you with passion and
tenderness—slow, long, and full. Let me rest my head and lips on your heart,
hold you through the night, and for all eternity. Angel, let me be your Husband
forever.
Your extremely loving and lonely Husband, André! PremAA!
March 17, 1970 (76)
Ottawa, Tuesday
Sweet and wonderful wife of mine, my Angel whom I adore,
Today is Tuesday, a sunny day here in Ottawa, and the snow
is beginning to melt. I received your letter yesterday, as I usually do—your
aerogram typically arrives on Monday, but then nothing else comes for the rest
of the week. It is very hard, and I must make your Monday letter my nourishment
for the six days that follow.
You were in Madras, and now you are probably back home. I
wonder if you received your new passport yet. Now, what about your physical
examination? One thing you must tell me for sure: Was it instigated by the
Canadian High Commissioner? If so, then you should receive your Canadian visa
very soon. In one of your previous letters, I had the impression that the
Canadian Commissioner had contacted you, but with your last aerogram, I am no
longer certain since you mention the BOAC agent and your passport. So, darling,
in your next letter, please tell me exactly what happened. Did the Canadian
High Commission already communicate with you?
Second point: about my famous cheque. The cheque was sent on
February 12th. As I have already told you, I went to my bank, which is a branch
of the Bank of Canada. I asked the manager to take care of the $300. He sent
the money to the Bank of Canada, which was supposed to send it directly—without
passing through any Indian bank—to Anasuya. The name of Anasuya was on the cheque,
so in principle, she is the only one who can cash it, and it was sent to her
address.
Two weeks ago, when Anasuya and you wrote to me that you had
not yet received it, I called the manager of my bank. He verified and assured
me that the check had already been sent to Anasuya.
Last week, I went to see him again. He told me the same
thing but advised me to wait another two weeks (until next week) before
starting the process to recover the money. If the check was stolen somewhere
along the way, it is covered by insurance, and I can have the money refunded
and send you a new cheque. There is also the possibility that the cheque was
simply delayed in transit.
Therefore, Angel, I will wait a little longer. If you happen
to receive the cheque, please 1) cash it as soon as possible, or ask Anasuya to
do so, and 2) send me word immediately. OK?
As for my laicization, there is nothing to do for now. The
procedures must take their due course. I will call Montreal again next week,
but as they told me already, they cannot do anything—it is now up to Rome. Let
us be patient and hopeful that this last and most important matter will be
arranged before your arrival in Canada. It would be so nice.
Let us also prepare ourselves for Easter. With the Lord, we
will rise. Angel, Na Premam, keep smiling and graceful with all those around
you. I am glad to see that the nuns near you are kind. Please give my best
regards and respects to your parents, sister, and brothers, and to Anasuya if
you see her.
My unique, my jeevam, I love you more. Only your happiness
gives me happiness. Only knowing you are joyful can give me joy and
satisfaction. Kisses, embrace, love eternal.
André, your Husband.
March 21, 1970 (77-1)
(I do not know if it is 77 or 76, I lost the track of the
count)
Na Premam, Angel, my wife forever,
Your last letter, which I received on Tuesday, brought me a
mix of emotions—sadness, pride, and amazement. I am deeply proud of you,
realizing how much you have grown in understanding human nature and your
increasing awareness of the situations you might encounter. Your unwavering
love and faithfulness make me prouder than ever, knowing that you would never
allow anyone else close to you. I feel the same; I do not want any other women
in my life. I am yours alone, and my arms, lips, and entire being are dedicated
to you as your Husband, now and always.
I am truly amazed—and troubled—by the behavior of certain
men toward you. This former friend of your colleague, as well as your own
uncle, have acted in ways that disappoint and surprise me. It makes me wonder:
Am I naïve to think that men do not always seek to take advantage of women?
Reflecting on my own life, I have met women who attracted
me, but I never took advantage or made disrespectful proposals. I believe my
brothers and former colleagues share similar values. Is it because of your age,
or the fact that you are not yet married, that some men behave this way?
Regardless, it is clear that the BOAC officer poses a
danger, and you must be cautious around him. Never be alone with him and let
Lourdhu and Raja know about his behavior so your brother can help protect you.
Be polite but keep your distance, as he might try to create obstacles to your
passport or visa if he does not get his way.
If you must make concessions to obtain your documents, do
not give in—find another agency, like Air India. If the situation persists, I
am considering sending a letter to BOAC's management in India or filing a
complaint with BOAC in Montreal, with your permission.
My sense of helplessness is strong; I wish I could defend
you in person. Please take care of yourself as I would if I were there. I am
not physically with you, but in spirit I am always by your side. Promise me
that you will look after yourself in my absence.
As I think about your upcoming trip, I am anxious knowing
you will be traveling alone until you reach Montreal. Please be prudent during
your flight. We will do everything possible to ensure you do not have long
waits at airports between planes. Ideally, you will be able to take a direct
flight from Bombay to Montreal, or at least have only a brief layover, perhaps
in New York. Though you may arrive exhausted, I would rather see you tired in
my arms than have you spend a night alone somewhere along the way.
I hope you have received your passport and Yellow Book. If
not, avoid writing to this man personally unless necessary. If he fails to
respond, write to BOAC management instead. I suspect he may intentionally delay
responding as a form of punishment for not getting what he wants, though I hope
I am wrong. Regarding payment for your plane ticket, I will send the money
through BOAC in Montreal or Ottawa, regardless of his instructions.
Following your advice, I will maintain a correct and
professional tone in all correspondence with him. The BOAC office is
conveniently located across from my own office on Sparks Street, making ticket
arrangements easy.
I continue to wait anxiously for word that you received the $300.
If there is no news by next week, I will begin the process to recover the money
from insurance and send you another check. Please communicate with Anasuya, as
she will be the one to receive and cash it. Let me know immediately as soon as
you have any news. I also hope you received the tape recorder I sent for your
birthday on February 4th, though unfortunately it was not registered. Let me
know if you received it.
As I write this on Saturday morning, I recall that I was
unable to write yesterday because I was not in Ottawa. On Thursday afternoon, I
flew to Toronto for a meeting as an observer—an opportunity to make contacts
and learn more about people important to my work. The meeting lasted until 2h00
AM. Friday, and after a short rest at the hotel, I attended another assembly
with key figures from Canada’s major voluntary agencies for international
cooperation. While there, I met a Pakistani woman representing UNESCO. We spoke
about India and you, and she expressed the hope that we could meet again after
your arrival. I returned to Ottawa late, sharing a ride from the airport with a
lawyer who had been drinking; thankfully, I intervened just in time to avoid a
dangerous situation and arrived home safely at 11h30 PM.
Next week is Holy Week, with a short work schedule. I will
visit Montreal to spend Easter Sunday with my family—including Odette, René,
and Julie—making it a special family celebration. Nearly a year has passed
since our separation, and I long for our reunion. Sometimes, I am tempted to
leave everything and fly to you in India, but practical considerations,
particularly work, make that difficult. Life together in India would be easy,
but finding work there is the main obstacle to my joining you, hence your journey
to me.
Your last letter’s spiritual tone gave me strength,
consolation, and renewed hope. It encouraged me to pray more deeply, especially
during mass last Sunday. As Easter approaches, let us prepare our hearts
together. Love has conquered darkness, and this year I understand that more
vividly. Though I cannot attend Holy Thursday and Good Friday celebrations, I
will be united with you in spirit, knowing you will attend in your parish. On
Saturday, we will each sing Alleluia—you in India and I in Canada—with the hope
that next Easter, our voices will join in the same church, hand in hand, side
by side.
Na servam, keep smiling. The Lord loves us, and I am
confident that He will continue to show us His love in the future. My respect
to your parents and greetings to your brothers, sister, nieces, and nephews. I
send you countless kisses and embrace you in an eternal caress.
I love you, Angel, and remain your lonely Husband, André! PremAA!
March 24, 1970
(77-2)
My Angel Darling and my beloved wife,
Today, I paused for a few minutes amid a very busy day to
write you my Tuesday aerogram. Since our executive director traveled to Rome
and left me in charge of the business, I have been exceptionally busy. Since
your last letter arrived last Tuesday, I have not received any more news from
you. I am hoping today that your refreshing letter will arrive, and I also hope
to receive the good news that you got the $300. Otherwise, I may have to go to
my bank on Easter Tuesday and send you another $300.
This time of year, is the most challenging here. One day it
feels like winter, and the next day it is spring. Now, it is still winter, and
heavy snow is falling, so we must walk through the "scholt" as the
weather warms up. If the sun comes out tomorrow, it will finally feel like
spring. The snow will melt, and the sun will shine strong and warm—just like my
anticipation for your arrival. You are coming soon!
We are now in Holy Week. I remember last year, how sad those
days were, and how much I suffered with the thought of our impending
separation. It was so difficult to keep smiling and to focus on you rather than
myself. This year, things are different. Last year was Good Friday, a time of
sorrow, but this year it will truly be Easter—a period of tremendous hope. I am
filled with hope to see your lovely face, hope to hold you in my arms, and hope
to do everything possible to bring you happiness. I am hopeful for a new life
together—a wonderful and beautiful future with you.
Darling, how are you? In your next letter, please tell me
how you feel and share everything about yourself. I need your words so much;
they nourish my thoughts when I am alone in my apartment, as I was last
weekend. I spent the entire weekend at home and did not visit Odette, René, or
Julie, not wanting to disturb them while they had guests—the parents of René.
So I stayed alone, completely alone. It is all right, though; it is only for a
while, as you are coming soon—very soon.
As I mentioned in my last letter, I will not work on Good
Friday or Easter Monday. I should take a good rest, as many things and emotions
await us in the days ahead. Please, darling, take a good rest as well. Before
long, we will need to look into the procedure for civil marriage, just in case,
although the idea is repugnant to me. Let us continue to pray for my
laicization.
Angel, did you get your passport renewed from New Delhi? I
am so anxious to hear that everything is ready and that you are free to come.
When will that be? Oh God, please, please speed up your ways!
Angel, my Premam, I love you. Je t’aime ‘immensément”. Only
you can satisfy me and make me as happy as a man can be. I kiss you as the most
sacred thing on earth and embrace you warmly and lovingly.
I remain your Husband forever, André
March 28, 1970
(77-3)
My Premam Angel, the pulse of my being and the beat of my
heart,
This Holy Saturday finds me spending the afternoon alone at
my parents’ house. On Holy Thursday, I drove to Montreal in the morning, first
attending a work meeting, then beginning the celebration of Easter with my father,
mother, and the rest of the family. Yesterday, Good Friday, was a very quiet
day at home. I wanted to write to you as usual but could not find a moment
alone to be with you in spirit. That is why I am writing today. The mail
service in Montreal is still affected by the postmen’s strike, and delivery is
very slow. Tonight, I will listen for news on whether the strike will end; if
it does, I will mail this letter from Laval instead of waiting to return to
Ottawa.
There are many things to tell you, and the most important is
about your passport and visa. Last Wednesday, when I returned to my apartment,
I received a letter from the BOAC officer in Madras, as well as from another
man, both informing me that your passport was sent to you at the same time as
my letter. The letter also assured me that all arrangements for your Canadian
visa have been made, and it is only a matter of a few weeks before you receive
it from the Canadian High Commission in New Delhi. Additionally, I was told
that I can purchase your plane ticket at the BOAC office in Ottawa. Therefore,
as soon as your paperwork is complete, please send me a word, and I will
immediately go to BOAC to buy your ticket. From that point, the decision about
when you come to Canada will be entirely yours. Is this arrangement all right?
I appreciated your recent letters, especially your answer to
my question about your arrival date. It was not just your answer, but the way
you expressed it—indirectly, hinting that your coming depends on my
laicization. Reading your words made me smile, as it reminded me of your
character and your feminine way of approaching things—never directly, but
always purposefully, working toward your aim. I love your ways. Nevertheless,
my heart is sorrowful, as I have done all that I can regarding the work in Montreal.
Everything is now in Rome, and we must wait for the final answer about my
release. I hope it will be very soon.
In my family, this is the big question. Whenever I meet any
of them, they first ask about you, then about word from Rome. It is easy to
give them the good news about you, but about Rome, there is nothing new. You
would see the sadness on my face, and on those of my parents, brothers, and
sisters. Let us pray, Angel, and let us hope. The Lord is with us.
Odette, René, and Julie joined us for Easter, so we are all
here together. Tomorrow, Easter Sunday, we will have another big family
celebration. All my brothers, sisters, and their children will come for dinner.
The celebration is especially colorful this year, as Easter is close to
Mother's birthday—April 2nd, when she turns 57. This morning, I bought her a
gift: a sweater, heavier than the one I bought for you in Manila, and in blue
and white. I hope she will like it.
Today, Saturday, continues, with Mother and Father working,
while Odette, René, and Julie went to visit Monique and Jacques. I went to
Robert’s home to wash my car in his big garage, as it is still too cold to do
it outside. I also had lunch with him, Rachel, and their baby Martin.
On the way to Montreal last Thursday, I decided to sell my
current car, as it is an old 1963 model and I fear it might break down on a
long trip. For both our sakes, I do not want that to happen. My car will remain
in my parents’ garage, and Mother will try to sell it in Montreal, where the
chances are better than in Hull. I am asking $500 for it. Tomorrow, I will
return to Ottawa with René and Odette in their car, and for the next couple of
weeks, I will travel to work by bus until I buy a new car—probably a Toyota, a
small Japanese car costing about $3,000. I expect to buy it in a couple of
weeks.
This Holy Week is unlike those of previous years; I feel
fine and well-adjusted, more real to myself. As you sometimes mention, I do not
think the temptation to return to my former life will come to mind.
On Good Friday, I did not go to church, but my mind was
attuned to the mystery of the Lord’s death, and today I truly live in the
expectation of Easter. In our present situation, it is easy to have an
existential knowledge of it. Tonight at 11h30 PM, I will go to church—though
not the one in front of my parents’ house, to avoid being recognized, but to
another parish. As I wrote in my last aerogram, when I sing the Easter Alleluia
with the other parishioners, you will be with me, united in spirit as you sing
in your church in Reddipalem.
Angel, I do not know how you feel, but I am miserable and
lonely here, even with my family. I am only half of myself. When will our
meeting at the airport be? I am certain that I want to be alone at the airport
when waiting for you. I do not want any other family members there with me. Do
you agree?
The other night, Mother dreamt of you; we were all waiting
for you at the airport. In her dream, I told her it would be better if I went
alone at first, and she seemed to agree. Before introducing you to my family, I
want to take you in my arms as I did when we were alone in the Philippines. I
want us to renew our silent conversation, that special understanding in our
eyes. I am even considering waiting a few days after your arrival before
telling the family. What do you think?
Angel, you are always with me, and I am constantly planning
for your happiness, trying to put every circumstance on our side. I know things
will not be perfect—neither in Canada, nor in my family, nor in my planning.
But be assured of everyone’s goodwill; all will try their best to make you
happy and help you feel a sense of belonging and togetherness.
On this point, I am not too worried, as I know your maturity
and sense of reality. Above all, I know you will tell me if something goes
wrong, as many times as I need, since I am stubborn and sometimes struggle to
see things from others’ perspectives. Remember our small misunderstanding about
Bernadette and the other girls? Honestly, I still do not fully understand what
was wrong with my behavior, but I realized how much it affected you, and for
that reason I was sad and eager to make things right. How many times did you
have to repeat your point of view? That’s how I am.
Since receiving the BOAC officer’s letter, a thought has
been troubling me. Knowing that this man proposed to you, travels to Canada
from time to time, and will know the exact timing of your flight, I am worried
he may arrange to be on the same plane. That would be terrible. Please be
cautious about this possibility. There are solutions: confirm that he is not
taking the same flight, select your trip time so he does not know it in
advance, or decide with BOAC in New Delhi. You might even consider sending a complaint
to BOAC management about his behavior. Perhaps I am worrying too much, but I
will only be at peace when I can hold you forever in my arms. You are such a
great treasure to me!
I was pleased with your cousin’s letter. Is she a Sister,
perhaps a nun? She sounds like one. Regarding the vestments and gifts for the
parent priest to be consecrated, I did not fully understand her request. What I
gathered is she might need priestly vestments, which I no longer have—except
for some books and one stole. I would have gladly written to her directly, but
she expressed a wish not to receive my letters, which makes me think she is a
nun. Please tell her how much I appreciated her openness and acceptance of who
I am.
I hope Lourdhu’s child is healthy again, as well as all the
other family members. Please give my best regards and affection to my parents
in India and to my brothers and sisters.
Your Husband forever, who kisses you passionately and
embraces you tenderly, André. PremAA!
PS: I am glad you received my photos and liked them. What
about the tape? Was it stolen? Regarding the cheque, I will look into it next
week.
March 31, 1970 (79)
Na
Premam,
How are you? Angel, my darling?
I must admit I am afraid. You are my life, my everything—my
treasure and the light of my eyes. I worry that you will receive this aerogram
at the same time as my last long letter, which I wrote last Saturday but only
managed to mail this morning. The mail system in Montreal has been disrupted by
a strike, and throughout Canada, Easter Monday was a holiday, so there was no
postal service. I had no choice but to wait before posting your letter.
As I mentioned previously, I returned from Montreal with
Odette, René, and Julie. Now, I am traveling to work by bus and will continue
to do so until I can purchase a new car in a few weeks. Tomorrow, April 1st, is
René’s birthday. Out of gratitude, I plan to buy him a small gift, most likely
a tie.
Angel, my beautiful wife, I am so anxious to return to my
apartment, hoping that a letter from you is waiting for me. Since I reside in
Hull, your letters typically arrive on Monday or Tuesday. I am eager for news
about the $300 check; I am worried, but there is little I can do. On my next
trip to Montreal, I will go to my bank and try to resolve the matter.
Angel Na Preman, you cannot imagine how lonely I feel being
apart from you. It is becoming almost unbearable. When will we be reunited?
Last week brought good news about your passport and visa, but we are still
waiting to hear about my laicization so we can finally be together forever.
There is not a minute of my life when I am not thinking of
you. I feel as though I am losing my sanity, longing for your arrival, hoping
endlessly to hold you in my arms, to kiss you repeatedly, and to walk with you
in close embrace, united in heart, mind, and body.
Please, Angel, continue your long letters. Write to me about
everything—about yourself, your family in India, about our country, your
thoughts, actions, and dreams. I need you; you are my life, my breath, and my
blood. Truly, darling, I am but a shadow without you. Even my work brings me no
enthusiasm, but I continue and do my best, knowing that ultimately, I am
working for you.
Life is miserable now, my darling wife, but in less than two
months, our current sorrows will come to an end. Let us remain thankful to the
Lord for blessing us with such deep love for one another. He is truly good to
us. Despite everything, let us keep smiling in anticipation of our bright
future. Let us spread joy, which feels very spiritual now, as it is rooted in
the hope of Easter. Every Sunday, and in our prayers for one another, let us
proclaim the Easter Alleluia with joy.
Send my best regards to everyone at home. With a heavy
heart, I kiss you once more, a thousand times over. Angel, my darling wife and
my love, you are everything to me.
Yours forever,
 |
| A young Bala (Angel), at home |