April 14, 1969 (1)
My
Angel, My wife, my love,
Saturday,
both of us my Angel, have experienced the measure of our Love, suffering. I
would never have believed that it would be so painful to let go, the second
half of myself.
Even
when I left my family almost 10 years ago, I didn't suffer as Saturday. Then I
admired you very much. How brave you tried to be, not to show your tears. But
after all, you didn't succeed too well, I either. When I left you at the door
of EAPI on my motorcycle could not control any more. Tears and groans of pain
were coming to my throat. I cried and cried I cried while going towards the
airport, it took me long time to regain my composure when I arrived at the
airport happily you were not still there, therefore I went to the men's room
and wash my face. After a while you arrived, I could still smile at you-you
also.
Oh,
my Angel, my darling, it was so painful to see you trying hard to smile, then
it was the long waiting, I wanted you to be with me forever, but at the same
time, I wanted you to go fast, I did not want to cry in front of you. At the
gate, at the last moment, I would have liked to press you on my heart, to kiss
you, to console you, at least to cry with you. It was impossible. I did it
interiorly.
Angel My darling, I love you, I never loved before another person, I will never love anybody else. It is true. I know it.
After
Zach, Bosco (Editorial note: EAPI students) and I went to the roof to
see your plane go. There I started to cry openly while looking at the plane - I
had not handkerchief, but the wind was strong and was drying my tears as they
were coming. Bosco and Zach have been very kind at that moment; they let me
alone but at the same time comforting me by their presence. Then you climbed
the staircase, turned many times, came back alone, I was looking at you, tears
rolling on my cheeks, you could not see them at least. Then the plane went...
My heart broke a part. I was not only half of myself,
Oh
Angel, mon amour, why is it so painful to love, ... tears now....
 |
| Baguio, Philippines 1968 |
From the airport went to the travel agency, while driving more tears, but was not ashamed of my tears for I am not a crying boy. It was about 12h00 PM. When I arrived at the travel agency. Expressed to them my wishes. They told me that I would go Tuesday or Wednesday: Manila-Tokyo, Tokyo-Vancouver, and Vancouver to Montreal. They told me that by brother Aguinagalde they will let me know by Monday.
From
there, I went to Xavier School, to see Bro. Aguinagalde. It was siesta time. I
let him a note. Ok for Canada… went to the travel agency… etc.
All
the time, I had the fear that the Bros knew that Father provincial wants me to
Taiwan. But I had to risk!
From
Xavier school went back to EAPI. Lock myself in my room, with you still there
all around, your suitcase on the bed with your note, the way everything you put
the order and made my bed; one of your hairs in the sink... etc... How
painful!!!! How glad also I was that I was the one to see you going and not you
see me going. At least you would forget for a while part of your sorrows (the
external part only...) in the novelty of the trip...
The
whole afternoon therefore in my room with my thoughts: you, but also the letter
to the provincial trying to imagine what I will tell him by writing when I go
to Canada: A rather factual letter being aware of the emotional overtone which
could take place.
At
5h30 PM went down. Met Bernadette (Editorial note: Lay catechist from
Indonesia, EAPI student). She was still crying following the departure of
her German love. Then went to the dry cleaning to get my 2 suits. They were not
ready. The girl told me to come back. Sunday at 2 pm, went back to the EAPI.
Took a little something then went back to my room. More thoughts!!! Went to
watch TV for one hour, then came back to the room. Look for the first time on
my desk since the morning. Discover your letter. Read it. Immense pain!!! I
adore you Angel and I am yours forever. Yes, we will manage. Went to bed
terribly alone.
Sunday
Morning: took my breakfast around 6h00 AM. I thought about you, now, probably in
Hong Kong. I am glad; Joe Hubert is taking good care of you I am sure. 9 am.,
said Mass, Bernadette attending. During the general prayer I prayed especially
for you. Tears came to my eyes. Bernadette cried. After Mass went to the room.
Read the newspaper. Took my lunch. I wanted to start to write to you. But it
was still impossible. I wasn't still myself. After lunch went back to dry
cleaning store. The girl told me that my suits were ready but at the main
office on Mesa Street. I took the bus went there, got the suits, came back in
the room. Didn't go to take supper, not hungry. More thinking- hoping that
nobody here knows that I must go to Taiwan. Kept thinking about what I will
write to father provincial. I went to bed. Kissed you infinitely. Nive na
Prema, Jeevam, Sarvam.
Here
is Monday morning. You are now in India,
in Bombay. Your challenge really starts.
Breakfast
at 8h00 AM, and now in the library to write you this letter, Angela, our Italian
friend interrupted it. I will say Mass for her at 11 am. Then after I will go
out to St Joseph College to the travel agency- to buy a suitcase-yours cannot
be repaired. Hoping to get my tickets soon...
My
darling Angel, I stop here for now. Will continue when I come back this
afternoon. With good news, I hope. I Love you infinitely.
April 16, 1969 (2-1)
Angel
my Wife,
How
are you, my Love?
There
in your dear India, your troubles will just start. Hoping that as you told me
just before leaving, you will not worry too much and sad too often. Just a
little bit for I know that it is impossible to have always-blue sky above our
head.... I add: “....and a blue sea below”. You will understand better that
last sentence when you will the great news...
Yes,
my darling, I made it! I am writing you in the plane, on the way to Tokyo. My journey
has already started. It is a way of no return.
Oh,
I feel sad, No one spends 10 precious years of his youth to discover then that
he lost his time. But in fact, I didn't lose my time. I met you...
There are moments when I am overcome by sadness, realizing
that I have devoted ten precious years of my youth to experiences and journeys
that sometimes seem to have led nowhere. The thought of having lost invaluable
time weighs heavily on me. Yet, upon reflection, I understand that my time was
not truly lost. The years I spent in Asia brought me to you and meeting you has
made every moment worthwhile. Those ten years now hold meaning because they led
me to the love we share.
 |
| Baguio, Philippines - 1968 |
I
will tell you my Angel what I did since the last letter mailed Thursday. You
remember, I was waiting impatiently for the news that I could fly to Canada
that day...
However,
at the travel agency, they had lost my papers for clearance. You would not
imagine, Angel darling, all the thoughts that came to my mind. E.g. They are
just delaying checking if really my Provincial gave me permission to go back
home. They are waiting and prepared my visa for Taiwan... etc. Meanwhile I did
not dare to go into the refectory and be obliged to answer such questions.
Where are you going? When? Etc.
I
have had a bad experience with Fr. Hofinger (Editorial note: Fr. Hofinger, - a
bit my guru - a Jesuit, the head of the pastoral and kerygmatic approach in Asia
and in world, - was at my table in the dinner hall during breakfast. Then, one
of the Maryknoll fathers asked me if I was returning to Taiwan after EAPI. When
I answered: “to Canada". The old Hofinger looked at me suspiciously and
asked me: “is it true? Is Bro. Aguinagalde (Editorial note: Jesuit coadjutor
brother working at Xavier School, Manilla) taking care of your papers… “.
like if he knew something...
Therefore,
I didn't want to present myself in public, in the refectory.... After
breakfast, I went back on my scooter to the travel agency, same story. Nothing
prepared, wait for the phone call, be ready to go this afternoon. My hope was
shaken…
April 17, 1969 (2-2)
I
continue my letter. I would like to mail it before leaving for Tokyo tomorrow
night.
From
the travel Agency, I came back home went to my room, stayed there until 11 am
when I went to say Mass for Bernadette and few other Sisters.
After
the Mass, went back to my room.
Passing
by the mailbox. A Letter from my youngest sister Monique was there.
It was to tell me how my mother was upset because of me. She had confided to her… My sister was writing me asking me to tell them the truth about my going to Canada. At 1 pm. call back to the travel agency. They told me that my clearance papers had not been yet found that I could not go today, that I would go tomorrow, to wait for their call.
Worried, I went back to my room. Stayed there till about 7h00 PM. When I went for a walk towards the supermarket, stopped there bought an ice cream. They had no drumsticks, the one you liked. Perhaps they know that you were no more here... My heart was bleeding. I went back to my room --to bed at about 11 pm. Bad night, got up at 1am, went back to bed, dreamt about you.
On Wednesday morning, around 8h00 AM, after having
breakfast, I contacted the travel agency once again. Unfortunately, there was
still no news regarding my clearance papers. The agency assured me that they
would call me back if there were any updates. Hoping for alternative solutions,
I also reached out to a shipping line about sending my luggage, but this effort
did not yield much success.
Given these lingering uncertainties, I decided it was best
to inform Fr. Leetai, the EAPI administrator, about my situation. Having made
up my mind to sell my Honda scooter with the assistance of Fr. Fontecha, my
Jesuit colleague and fellow EAPI student, I felt it was prudent to make
arrangements since I would not be present to finalize the sale myself. Fr.
Fontecha kindly offered me $50.00 US for the scooter, ensuring that I would not
need to request any financial support for my travel from Fr. Leetai.
At 11h00, I said Mass. After the Mass, went to
my room. At about 11h45 am my phone rang. It was the agency telling me that
everything was alright, that three men would meet me at the airport where I
would take Air France at 3h45 pm. Thanks be to God! I was now so light, so thankful.
Went to the refectory ate rapidly, went also to the mailbox. Saw two letters
for you, one for your co-Sister, Selegrina (Editorial note: Selegrina came
with Angel to EAPI to study). The first one for you was probably from a Sister
I let it there. Fr. Leetai will send it to you. The second one, I look at it.
It was from your previous student and girlfriend (Hindu) Anasuya to whom you
told me to forward my letters in India. After being sure that it was written in
English. I took it and opened it. With the thought that may be there is
something concerning that mailing of my letters to you. It was only a short,
nice aerogram telling you about the troubled situation in Andhra, telling you all
that and including photos, which have been developed. Telling finally that one
of your uncles to whom you had introduced to her had written to her. I still
have the aerogram with me. I will send it to you if you ask for, but I do not
think it is necessary.
After
this, went to my room for the last preparation of my trip. Since I will be
obliged to stay 2 days in Tokyo. I got the address of Sophia University, where
Fr. Echezen and Flores live. (Editorial note: both Jesuits had been students
at the EAPI and had returned to their mission, Japan). For the circumstance
I wore my clergyman Roman collar, etc... At 1h15 pm left the EAPI. Bernadette
was there crying, Fr. Leetai came also to wish me Bon Voyage. I did not go to Fr.
Nebreda, (Editorial note: Jesuit, director of EAPI) and Fr. Hofinger, (Editorial note: Jesuit, leader of charismatic and Pastoral Theology in Asia). I could not do it.
At
the airport, the things went smoothly. Being alone, I was sad but at the same
time happy... sad because it was probably my last time in this part of Asia,
Happy because the first part of my plan to go to Canada had gone well.
In
the plane, I thought a lot about you darling, feeling what you would experiment
if you ever come to Canada, if we can pass successfully through all the trials
which are awaiting us this year. Then our love will have its purification.
Nothing, my Angel, nothing, only death will be able to separate us. I am sure
of it. Even after death- we will be together forever. I also worked in my head
the important letter I had to send to the Jesuit Provincial of Taiwan after my
arrival to Canada.
I
arrived at Sophia University at about 10h00 pm. They gave me a room. I went to
bed almost immediately thinking about you. I forgot to pray at that moment, but
now I decided to pray for our love on a very special way. My life of intimacy
with God must find its root in the human love of both of us.... This morning
when I got up, incredible! Snow.: a
first after almost 10 years in Asia... At 8h00 AM, went to take breakfast, met Fr.
Echezen and 2 Canadians. Echezen offered himself to show me Tokyo) during the
evening.
We
all agreed about the program of the day, and then I went to my room to work on
the letter for the Provincial. A very
difficult letter to write! I did not want to appear bitter or over emotional
while realizing that “a matter-of-fact attitude” could be interpreted as pride
or arrogance.
By
11h30 AM, I had written a first draft.
The
day after, in the plane to Canada, I would still polish the draft and make 2
copies, one for the Provincial and one for you.
After lunch, went with Fr. Echezen to buy a
raincoat and to visit the cathedral and few places in Tokyo. Fr. Florez came
also. By 4h00 PM, we were back. At 4h30 PM, I continued this letter…
Now
it is time to quit even if I have still so many things to write. It will be
done, probably, on my flight Tokyo-Vancouver.
Good-bye,
God Bless you my dearest wife, Take good care of yourself. Be gracious and nice
with all. I Love you infinitely, I kiss you infinitely, I embrace you with all my
might. I am always with you. Now I realize the depth of my Love for you. In a
way, I bless the Lord for this temporary separation. Keep smiling, God loves
you, I Love you too.
Your
Husband, André
PS:
This is my itinerary:
April 16 Wed Lv. Manila Air France 3.45 AR. Tokyo 8h35
PM
Apr 18 Friday LV Tokyo Canadian
Pacific 8h05 PM
Apr 18 Friday Ar. Vancouver 11h30
AM (international date line)
April 18: Friday LV Vancouver-Can Pacific 2 pm. Arrive Montreal 11h05 PM
----------
Editorial note:
Letters numbered 3, 4 and 5 written by André to Angel are missing. These
letters were stolen by CSA sisters in Reddipalem (note: Angel's
Native village).
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