June 1969

June 5, 1969 (11-1)

Na Prema, Na jeevam, Na sarvam, my wife, My Angel,

Two days ago, received your last letter, your (9). As usual, happy but extremely sad when I read you. I was at home and slept there. Before going to bed, read your letter once more and thought, tock your letter under my pillow near my head. Cried. I would give a part of my life to be with you now, to give you comfort and to answer the problems raised by your family about our wedding.

Especially to have your uncle in front of me, writing this last line I am so mad that sweat comes in the palm of my hands. On this last point, Angel darling, be extremely careful Promise me that you will never stay alone with this man - same with this Fr. Raj when he comes - There is nothing more dangerous than a jealous and frustrated man. I am sure about you, about your loyalty. But I fear this man. Oh, Angel darling, how would I like to be there to protect you. If this uncle still tries, please, Angel tell it to your mother or to somebody who can help you.

As for the problem of divorce rate raised by your brother-in-law and your mother. It is very difficult to answer well to this, since marriage will always be an act of Faith based on Love. Therefore, if somebody wants to see obstacle for a wedding, he will always be able to find something, if it is not the possibility for the couple to get in trouble and ask for separation, it could be economical stability, sickness and even the possibility of death. This is why, my Bala Chérie, your parents will have to believe in you, in your intelligence, good judgment and then in me. Try to work with your parents in this line.

I may be mistaken, I do not know very well your situation, but I think this way of doing – great faith in you and me - is the only one valid, otherwise your parents will bring to you, one objection after another and your time will pass to give answer to them. You would get tired and discouraged...

On my part, I have decided to write your mother, you will find the page for your mother with this letter, your brother in-law could also read it if your mother and you judge so. Read this letter first (it is a pity that I could not write it in Telugu) and if you see that it can help you, give it to your mother. Hope that your mother will understand that your happiness is with me. Let us hope!

Angel's mother

In your letter, you asked me many questions. No, my feelings for you did not change, as for you; on the contrary they are stronger than ever. I do not feel like myself; a part of me is far far away in the far India, it is very hard. Only my love for you my Angel and the great Hope to be soon with you, give me the strength to live and to fight for our future happiness. Last night before going to bed, went to my suitcase where is your picture, had a long look at it and warmth invaded in my heart, my hands reached for your head, my fingers were feeling the roots of your black hair, the back of your ears as I did so often. Oh darling, I felt alone, terribly alone; and now it is like something is broken in me; a long cut. But this, Love, is not so important since it is only my own sufferings. The worst is that I am not with you to help you when I know that you need me. This is the hardest thing for me. If your parents would only see how I love you, Bala they would surely not put objections

This afternoon, I will go to see Fr. Larivière, the Provincial, since now I personally did not get any news or reaction from Taiwan. Therefore, I will ask the Canadian Provincial what the Taiwan Provincial wrote him about me. I will at the same time tell him that it is now 80% sure that I will ask my Laicization. I will tell him that at the beginning of July I will make a kind of retreat for my final decision. In fact, the problem of leaving the order is not too big. Here there is a quantity of priests-Jesuits are also leaving the boat. The problem is with my family, my father and mother especially. They know, I told them, that I may quit the Jesuits, but I see that they wish to keep me in; indirect pressure on me. I therefore did not speak about you.

But it will come. In fact, what I need is just a little timing to get the right moment to speak to my mother and father and a little more courage. To tell them about you, I see now 2 lines of doing 1) to tell them about my definite decision of laicization (this must be done within 2 weeks); of course, with this, they will realize that I may get married-I will tell them that I cannot be a bachelor all my life. At that moment, I will tell them that If I get married, it will be only with one person... This person is in India. It is you! Then I will have to reveal completely our plan. You come here in April-May-June 1970, we get married as soon as possible, etc. This first possibility, if I work here in Canada.

But if, as you know, I can find a job in India, then it would be plan # 2: I told my parents about my laicization and about my going to India. I do not speak first about you then go to India, I marry you and write them about you from there. These are the two possibilities, but I prefer # 2 while telling my parents about you before coming to India. These are my plans!

Last weekend, I went for another missionary predication, a long and tiring weekend, 1000 miles by car. I collected 175 US$. I am not as physically tired than psychologically. It is hard to speak, to act when your heart is not there. I am sure you understand well what I mean.

If I continue to preach for the Jesuit missions, it is to show my good intentions and my good will to the order and the fathers. Otherwise, long ago, I would have abandoned this work. The next trip will be only June 22nd. It will be my last before being free. Then June 15 or 29th it will officiate the baptism of the last niece-baby of my brother Pierre. Here also, I think, it will be my last gesture and official act as priest.

About my work in the future, nothing new since my last letter. No news from the university of Carleton. As for the possibilities with SUCO, I am waiting next week for my next move. I will then present to them, my curriculum vitae" and officially ask for a position. Pray hard for this intention as I pray for yours. It would be nice if I could start to work as soon as I get out from the Society. This question is for me of great importance since money is one of my worries now. If you come to Canada, if we get married, we will need money. I would not like to start our family life with debt. I therefore need a good position as soon as possible. In the present economic system, it is foolishness to start married life with nothing in the bank.

But do not worry for this my love Angel; this is my problem and not yours. Your work now is to take good care of yourself, to get out from your morbid congregation, to win the heart of your parents. This is your quite heavy challenge.

Now it is the next day, morning. Yesterday in the afternoon went to see the Canadian Jesuit provincial. He was not there. I will have to go back later. Just before supper, Fr. Robin, the superior of the Mission Procure came to my room and ask how was going my affairs. I told him that it is 80% sure that I will ask for my laicization. He took it nicely and offer me his help if I need it. He is really a nice man. When he came to my room, I was seating alone thinking about you and the letter, I will write to your mother. Hoping that I will touch the right strings.

Angel my wife, it is incredible how always you are with me. On my mission appeal trip, you are there with me, in my heart and in my mind.  Then, I tell myself that one day with you, my wife, I will come back to this place and visit the beauty of the wild Canadian landscape.

Last Saturday, for instance, I saw during travelling for the missionary predication, a wild moose (it is a big, big deer) immediately, my thoughts were with you. You should have admired it. Yesterday coming back from the provincial's house, I passed by the Mount Royal Park and saw so many happy couples. I was seeing myself with you there. When like yesterday, I was walking alone on the street, I told myself that probably next year, we will be "2"! It will be wonderful! These thoughts are my consolation.

Let us, my dearest, be strong and full of hope. I tell you once again my infinite Love; I am yours more than ever. Keep smiling dearest Bala. God loves us. Take good care of yourself for me. Once more, please, be careful concerning your “dirty uncle” and this Fr.Raj.

Continue to write me everything even if you change your mind about us. Promise?

I kiss each part of you. Tenderly, I embrace you and tell you again: My Angel, My wife, “na sarvam, jeevam”, I Love you, Love You, Love you. PremAA!

Your Husband. André

June 6, 1969 (11-2)

Montreal

Dearest "Mother-in-Law",

First, I would like to apologize for not writing in Telugu, it is part of my limitations, but Angel or your son in law can translate this letter to you, hoping that one day I will be able to speak and write in your language.

As you see, I dare to call you "mother-in-law" It is not presumption on my part. In my heart your child Bala is really my wife and this since last Christmas when I gave her the silver chain she is wearing now, I wear an identical chain myself. May the Lord join us as soon as possible but if this Re-Union is made impossible, I will always be the Husband of Angel. After having known Angel I would not marry anybody else... Angel is my only eternal Love. And at 35 years old, I do not think that this feeling is the feeling of an immature teenager.

Dear Mother, I know how terrible you must feel about the decision of your daughter to leave India to marry a foreigner you never saw before, if Angel would be my daughter, I would myself be very reluctant to let her go for the unknown without what it seems any guaranty. And the best guaranty would be to see and speak to the man she wants to get wed to. This, in our case, is impossible for the time being. Hope that you will understand the situation.

The last letter of Angel speaks about one of your worries concerning our wedding, the divorce rate in the USA. First, I would like to tell you this. Please do not apply your apprehension to me and what you know about the United States, for I am not an American. As Angel surely told you, I am a Canadian and more, a French Canadian. My convictions concerning marriage as those of my family and of my countrymen are for the insolubility of the wedding vows. Furthermore, I think that I am a well enlightened Christian and catholic and thus I cannot see how my Faith could allow me to separate what God alone can separate. Therefore, Divorce for me would be a negation of my Faith.

Here, I spoke only " in abstract ways", but when I consider my love for Angel, divorce is still more impossible ". Suffering is the binding force of Love" and Angel could tell you how much both of us have suffered to be together when in Manila. God only knows how much we both suffer now working for our re-union. Those sufferings are only bearable for me because I understand deeply that the more we both suffer, the more our love is strengthened and becomes indestructible.

Dear Mother of Angel, this time, it was the objection about the divorce rate in USA, later I am sure other objections will come. They will all concern the happiness of your daughter. You want the happiness of your daughter. I also want with all my heart the happiness of Angel. This is why, although full of anguish in my heart, I dare to tell you this: If you see that the happiness of Angel is not with me, if you see this with your loving heart of mother, then keep Angel with you. The only important thing for me is Angel's happiness. Without my Angel I really do not know what I will do, but this does not matter...

I should come to India and marry Angel here. Are you thinking? This suggestion of yours is surely in your mind. It was and still also is in my mind and for so doing there is still a slight possibility, a very slight possibility to go to India and to work there for the Canadian Government. It would be wonderful for all of us. I will know for sure about the materialization of this hope in about 2 months. If this hope does not get materialize, remains the only solution discussed many times with Angel: of her coming here in Canada, for, in this situation, I do not know how I could go to your country by myself to find work there and if I could, I would feel like stealing the position of somebody without work. This cannot be.

Finally, as I see it, Angel and myself, will try to meet all the odds of guarantee for the success of our wedding and try to answer wisely to all the difficulties brought forth. However, truly, the only valuable guaranty will be the Love of Angel for me, and my great Love for her. This love will overcome all the difficulties. And it is only by having Faith and confidence in your daughter and in her good judgment and Faith also in me that you will see the reasonability of our Love, Angel can explain more about this thought of mine.

Your very respectful,

André Gingras

June 10, 1969 (12)

My darling wife Angel,

As I sit here in Montreal, it is night—10h25 PM. I am unsure whether it is day or night in India, or even the exact date there; perhaps it is still the 9th, since I gained a day crossing the Pacific Ocean. But wherever you are, my heart and thoughts are with you. The beat of your heart is united with mine, and I remember placing my ear on your breast, searching for the sound of your heart. One day soon, I will hear it again, endlessly, forever. This is the truth of my love for you—my darling, my wife, my Bala, my everything, eternally.

June 10th marks two months since our separation. This date will always remain in my memory, as it was the day I hurt as never before. I could have died if not for the great hope of being united again soon. Now, I am longing for you, and I pray that each minute brings us closer, quickly.

After returning from the Canadian Jesuit Provincial this afternoon, I found myself thinking about you while riding alone on the bus. I wondered what would happen if you changed your mind about me, if you could not come to me, or if I could not go to you—the thought was unbearable. I quickly redirected my thoughts because I am certain about you and your love.

If you ever do change your mind, I will respect you and want your happiness above all. Everything else does not matter. Tears come to me—I love you so much, Angel. You recently wrote that you love me more than words can express; I feel the same way for you. Now I understand how someone could die for their love. I would be ready to die for you; this is no joke, Angel. You are my life, na jeevam. When I am alone, my thoughts seek yours, and I wish I could tell you everything on my mind. I speak to you in my heart—can you hear me? At night, my body stretches for yours, and suddenly I realize you are not there. The emptiness is so painful. Tears again! Yes, our suffering measures our love, and it is eternal and infinite.

This afternoon, I visited Fr. Larivière, the provincial, and had a meaningful talk with him. First, I wanted to know the reaction of the provincial of Taiwan; second, I needed to discuss the present state of my soul. He was very understanding. I wish your Mother General could be as kind as the Provincial here. Regarding my first point, there is nothing more to do with the Jesuits of Taiwan except retrieve my trunks. The Canadian provincial finally received a letter from the provincial of Taiwan stating that he does not want me in Taiwan anymore, making my departure from the Philippines a step of no return. I have no remorse; I am glad this is behind me.

On the second matter, I tried to explain to Fr. Larivière how I feel. There is a great tension within me every time I must act as a priest; my soul is not in the gestures I perform, and each time I do so, I must go against myself. I spoke for about ten minutes, and the provincial listened attentively. In the end, I shared my near decision to ask for laicization, hoping to resolve this before mid-July. He agreed. Therefore, at the beginning of July, I will go to our Novitiate for a final retreat under the direction of a father experienced with such issues. Before July 15, I will officially request laicization. Do you agree with this? I may not receive laicization for the next six months, but it is crucial to leave the Jesuits by mid-July. Psychologically, I cannot remain in the community any longer. Also, by late July, I must begin work—either with SUCO or in teaching, as the school year starts in September. I have just finished a letter applying for a teaching position in catechetics at a secondary school, which I will mail tomorrow morning. It is important to secure a job as soon as I am free from the Jesuits, both to avoid burdening my parents and to provide for our life together as Husband and wife. I hope to find a job with a salary around $10,000, though that is uncertain. Please pray for this intention. I am confident that the Lord is with us—where there is Love, God is there.

The next morning brings a sunny day to Montreal, much like Manila in February and March—the start of summer. Today, I hope, will be another important day for us. Yesterday, I called my mother under the pretext of going shopping downtown. If God wills, I will speak to her more explicitly about you and me. This afternoon, I will return with her, and I promise to share the outcome of our conversation in this letter.

Friday morning arrives, and I kiss you good morning, awaiting the day when we will enter our own home for the first time. I dream of closing the door behind us, embracing and kissing you, undisturbed by anyone. May each minute bring us closer! I dream of this story both at night and in the morning—may it soon become reality. Today promises to be very hot in Montreal; at 8h00 AM, it is already 80°F, and the thermometer will surely climb to 100°F. Normally, it is not so hot. When I arrived two months ago, it was about 40°F, and I felt cold after coming from the Philippines.

Today, I will write a few letters: one to the superior in Manila regarding my trunks (a missionary now in Montreal is leaving for Manila on Sunday, and I will ask him to deliver it); another to GiGI (Editorial note: GiGi: EAPI assistant administrator) to request my grades from EAPI. I wrote her an aerogram three weeks ago but have yet to receive a response; and a third to Taiwan to obtain my diplomas from theological studies, which may be useful. Afterward, I will work on my curriculum vitae to be added to job applications, especially since I plan to officially apply to SUCO on Monday.

Dear Angel, I must admit that finding a job is now a significant worry for me. I want to secure a well-paid position primarily for your comfort and well-being. At the same time, I hope to find work that is fulfilling and allows me to help others, as only then will I be truly happy. Let’s hope that I will have good news to share with you, soon. A job with SUCO in Ottawa would be ideal for us.

Returning to you, Bala darling, there was something I wanted to include in the letter to your mother but forgot. I wanted to suggest that one way to minimize the trouble and scandal caused by your leaving your congregation might be to leave for Canada as soon as possible. It would be better for you, as you would not feel the constant social pressure from the Sisters, family members, and neighbors. If you agree, you may use this argument with your mother and brothers-in-law.

My beautiful wife, I hope to mail this letter this morning and that you will receive it soon. However, I am concerned that news from your country may not be good according to Canadian newspaper clipping.

Oh Angel, write soon if you can. Please take good care of yourself. Tell me your thoughts, what you are doing—are you working on your thesis, teaching? I have a feeling your Mother General will assign you both tasks. Please do not work too hard; think about us. Also, be cautious about the "wolves" around you. You cannot know how much it pains me not to be at your side to defend and protect you.

Nive na Premam, servam, jeevam. I love you. I love you with all my being, more than ever. My Angel, my all, my wife, my Bala.

Yours forever, with kisses and embraces,

Your Husband, André

P.S. I hope you will stay in Reddipalem throughout the year, as it would simplify our correspondence.

June 16, 1969 (13)

Montreal

Na jeevam! Angel,

Monday evening found me weighed down by an overwhelming sense of loneliness. Sitting alone at the Jesuit Procure, I watched television, tears streaming down my face as I grappled with the emptiness I feel whenever you are not near, my beloved wife.

Even last night, lying alone in bed at home, I could not help but cry—a rare occurrence for me, as I am not typically prone to tears. My heart ached for a word from you, but for almost two weeks, I have received no news. Please understand, my Angel, that this is not a reproach; I am certain the silence is not of your doing. The political turmoil in Hyderabad, your limited free time since the school year began in India, and the ever-present "spying system" around you have all contributed to this situation. I only hope you are still in Reddipalem and that, despite these challenges, my letters reach you regularly and that you are spared the suffering I am enduring now.

Since last Saturday, I have tried to keep myself occupied. There have been developments in our situation, though nothing remarkable occurred at the SJ Mission Procure. My readings on the priesthood continue, strengthening my conviction that I must leave it behind. In the evenings, I sought solace at the Expos—Montreal’s international exposition, which still takes place every summer. I wandered through the crowds for three hours, feeling acutely lonely, visiting only the Indian Pavilion. Surrounded by Indian art, both antique and modern, I found myself searching for traces of you—your spirit, your gestures, your way of being. It was painful, as if you might suddenly appear, but you did not. I encountered many Indians, including a beautiful hostess in a sari, but my thoughts remained with you, my Angel, whose beauty eclipses all others. I promised myself to return another day.

Throughout my visit, I watched an Indian couple with their young son, imagining that one day it would be us—walking together, hand in hand, with our own child. The pain of separation washes over me every time I meet Indians in Montreal, especially when I see women dressed in saris. Unlike in Manila, where you felt uncomfortable under the scrutinizing eyes of strangers, people in Montreal seem much less curious and impolite. Diversity is commonplace here; I even saw a Canadian student dressed as a Buddhist monk, and no one gave him a second glance. The city is full of hippies, too.

At 10h00 PM, I took the Metro and returned to the Jesuit Mission Procure.

Sunday began with Mass at 7h00 AM, followed by breakfast and a visit home. It was "Father’s Day," an American-influenced celebration now observed in Canada. I gifted my father a pajama and a razor, like the one I use for grooming. In the afternoon, I baptized my brother Pierre’s last niece, Murielle, in a simple ceremony attended by Jean-Guy and Jacqueline, (Editorial note: My brother and his wife) Pierre and Ghislaine (Editorial note: My brother and his wife). It was my last official act as a priest, God willing! After supper at Pierre’s home, we gathered at my parents’ house for the evening. Even my sister Odette was there—please remember her name, as I am certain she will become one of your closest friends when you arrive in Canada.

During this week, I plan to practice driving with my younger brother Robert so that I can obtain my license soon; I just need a little more experience behind the wheel.

On Thursday afternoon, after returning from home, I met my mother downtown for shopping and dinner at a Chinese restaurant. For the first time, I shared everything with her. She was aware of my visit to the Canadian Provincial the previous day and asked how it went. I confided in her about my near-certain decision to request laicization, explaining that I could no longer remain in the order and would be perpetually unhappy if I did. I mentioned my plans for a final retreat at the beginning of July. She listened silently as I spoke of the future and the possibility, however slight, of going to India. She admitted, “I know you have an attachment there,” revealing her motherly intuition. She sensed something beyond my sudden return from the mission and, after hearing me speak of you and seeing your picture, knew I was deeply in love. She told me she had noticed my longing and sadness, even when I tried to hide it.

I told her of your struggles to gain your parents’ consent, though I did not clarify your membership in a congregation of Sisters—she believes you belong to a lay institute, and I did not correct her misconception, fearing it would cause her further sadness. I explained that both of us are aware of the challenges ahead, and my greatest wish is your happiness. I shared with her what I had written to your mother: “If you see that Angel will not be happy in Canada with me, if you see that in your heart as a mother, please keep your child in India.” My mother expressed her primary concern—my happiness and yours. She encouraged me to take time and make a mature decision, recognizing the anguish in my heart and feeling some trepidation about the family’s social reputation, but her love surpassed those worries. As we parted, she offered a final piece of advice: “Be wise!” I assured her I would act according to my conscience.

Upon arriving home at 8h00 PM, I found a letter from Carleton University—where I had applied for a position—politely informing me that someone else had been selected for the job.

Meanwhile, correspondence from the Philippines brought the bill of lading for my trunks from EAPI, as well as my course grades and official attestation from Ateneo University confirming my eligibility for an M.A. upon completion of my thesis. Gigi shared news from George and Regina (Editorial note: EAPI students), now teaching in Bangkok, and Bernadette, still at EAPI. Sr. Lourdes (Editorial note: EAPI student) was hurt because I had not provided my address in a letter sent on your behalf, wishing to limit my ties with the Philippines. However, Sr. Lourdes can easily obtain my address from Fr. Leetai, who has already shared it with at least one Sister—the one who pursued me in Baguio.

My final retreat approaches quickly. Yesterday, I wrote to the father who will guide me through these last days to arrange when and where it will take place—most likely at the novitiate of St. Jérôme during the first week of July.

For now, I bid you goodbye, yearning for your next letter. Angel Chérie, I kiss you.

Thursday night 9h30 PM:

Oh Angel darling, after the reading of your 2 letters (June 11 and 12th) several times, how much I would like to be with you to kiss you as much as you want me to kiss you, to hug you as much as you would like, to calm your fears, to assure you, to console you. Yes, may the time come very soon of our Reunion! Angel, na premam, Na Jeevam, Na sarvam, more than ever, today more than yesterday and tomorrow more than today. I Love you Bala Chérie and ask you beg you please take good care of yourself. I know how much you must now suffer psychologically. Hoping that your parents will understand your situation and will really support you and help you.

Beautiful wife of mine, it is ok, if you cannot write, as much as you would like, I understand perfectly. You know well how much I can be patient. I can be patient there also because I know with all my heart that if you cannot write it is because it is impossible. As far as my letters # 3,4,5, I do not think that you must be afraid that they went in the hands of your sisters or your mother generals. These 3 letters were mailed to Anasuaya. She is probably waiting a safe opportunity to contact you and to give these letters to you. Be patient also and do not be scared. God whom I pray every day for you is with us. "Where is Love, God is there" However if you did not yet, you could send her a word telling her to send those letters to your brother's house without your name on the envelope of course. If you cannot write yourself, you may perhaps ask one of your brothers to write Anasuaya in your name. This would be the best thing to do to remove your fears and doubts.

And now, the objections of your family! Hoping that my letter # 11 can help. Your family will have to have faith in you and in me. This is the only way. As for my going to India to wed you there, - if as there is a slight possibility - I would only go to India being assured of a position in your country.  If it was the case, Tomorrow I would fly to you without any hesitation However, I would have to go to India to wed you with the necessity to come back with you in Canada. It would be for the time being too expensive. It will cost more than $ 1500 US dollars only for the trip. And I need all my money to give you from the beginning the best life, the best security you are entitled to have. To summarize my thought, the following is what I feel: 1) either I go to India to wed you and to work there. Or, 2) you come to Canada to wed me.

As for the question of divorce, it is unthinkable for me! That is what I wrote in my letter to your mother, if only your family would know me as you, yourself know me…

Regarding the matter of your passport and visa for entry into Canada, I have planned a course of action to facilitate your arrival. Tomorrow morning, I will visit the Canadian immigration office to inquire about the procedures and requirements for your travel. At the same time, I will write to the Indian Embassy in Ottawa to obtain precise instructions on how we should proceed from their side.

Before sending this letter, I will be sure to include the response from the Canadian Immigration office. As soon as I receive a reply from the Indian Embassy, I will pass that information on to you as well. Angel darling, please do not worry about these details. I am committed to doing everything in my power to ensure your journey is smooth. If your family members are also willing to assist, I truly believe there will be no obstacles that could prevent you from coming. It would be unthinkable for human laws to stand in the way of reuniting two people who are engaged and deeply in love. When I speak to the authorities, I will explain that you are my fiancée—though to me, you are so much more; you are my wife in spirit.

As for the other objections raised by your family, there is little more I can say; you know me and the love I have for you, just as I know the depth of your love for me. My hope is only that your parents will not stand in the way of our happiness or inflict harm upon us if they choose to withhold their consent.

Regarding my own parents, I have already shared their feelings earlier in this letter. They trust me and support the decisions I make. Your acceptance into my family is unquestioned—you are already one of us, and I see this in my mother’s eyes. Odette has also shown, through her response, that she warmly welcomes you.

Mother and Father in Canada

Above all, Angel, please do not worry. Love is on our side—God loves us, and I love you with all my being. Now, I will go to bed dreaming of you and wishing you sweet dreams, my love. I Kiss you.

Tomorrow, after my visit to the immigration office, I will return with news.

Good night, dearest wife.

Friday morning, 10h00 AM.

Good day, Darling. I hope you are well today. As I promised yesterday, this morning I took the necessary steps regarding your visa and immigration to Canada. I wrote a letter to the Indian Embassy in Ottawa, seeking guidance on the process from their side. Additionally, I personally visited the Canadian immigration office to get detailed information about the requirements and procedures.

The process is quite straightforward, and I was told that everything can be completed within two or three months. To secure your entrance visa to Canada, I must provide proof that I am your respondent and sponsor. The requirements are clear:

•          Presentation of my Canadian citizenship card
•          A letter from my employer detailing my job responsibilities and salary
•          My bank account statement to demonstrate that I have sufficient funds to         support you
•          A letter from the parish priest confirming that you are my fiancée

That is all that is required. As you can see, the process is very manageable. The only financial requirement is to show that I have enough resources for both of us, and I have no concerns in this area since my family is supporting me fully.

One additional detail is that, upon your arrival in Canada, we must get married within thirty days. Is that not wonderful? In conclusion, there are no significant obstacles on the Canadian side. Let us now wait to hear what India will require.

This morning, I also received a letter from my former best friend, Louis Robert, S.J. who is now in Vietnam. He expressed interest in knowing what is happening in my life. I intend to write to him soon and share the details.

Tomorrow, I will be joining the other fathers here for our weekend preaching trip. I expect to return Sunday night after another long journey.

Dearest little wife of mine, I urge you to be patient and keep smiling. God is with us, and my love for you is so strong that I feel I could move mountains for you. I am yours completely. I look forward to the day when I can give you all the kisses, embraces, and affection that I am unable to offer now. As we face present tribulations and sorrows, let us keep our eyes on the marvelous sun of our future together.

PremAA.

Your Husband forever, Andre.

June 26, 1969 (14)

Montreal

Dearest Darling Wife Angel,

I hope this letter finds you well. On my side, it is Thursday already, and the sun has finally returned after three days of rain.

Still, my heart is weighed down with extreme sadness. It has been almost a week since I received any news from you. If my letters are the nourishment you need, yours are the very air I breathe—without you and everything that is yours, I feel I could not survive. You are truly my reason for being the very root of my existence.

Perhaps my mood is somber because, in about one week, I will face an open struggle. First comes the retreat at the Jesuit noviciate, followed by my request for release from the society. After that, there is the looming insecurity, especially regarding work. It is extremely important for me to secure a job as soon as I leave the society, but so far, I have received only negative responses to my applications. The University of Carleton has already declined my request, as I have mentioned before. More recently, the Canadian University Service Overseas informed me three days ago that there are no vacancies for staff offices in Asian countries now. Politely, they assured me that my application would be kept on file and forwarded to the director of the program who is currently somewhere in Canada, so there is just a little hope left, but not much.

Now, I am waiting for the response from another application to the same organization, in which I place a bit more confidence. If that answer is negative as well, I will need to search elsewhere and try to find work in education. You already know that I have applied for a teaching position in catechetics, though I have yet to receive any news. Furthermore, this morning I submitted another application for a position as the person responsible for pastoral activities in two large schools. I just mailed it, so I remain hopeful.

I hope I am not burdening you with all these details. These are my little problems at the moment, and I share them because I promised to always be open with you. But please, do not worry. God will provide for us. Take good care of yourself and focus on your own concerns—you have enough troubles yourself.

Let me share with you, step by step, what I have been doing since I mailed my last letter to you on Friday. On Saturday, together with the group of fathers here at the procuration, we went on a missionary preaching trip. We left Montreal at 8h30 AM and arrived at the church of my preaching at 4h30 PM. There, I encountered an old parish priest embroiled in conflict with his assistant. The priest spoke extensively against the assistant while I listened quietly. The next morning, I preached at three masses and handled the collection myself, which I found simply horrible as it goes against my nature. The entire time passing the plate, I told myself, "Courage, this is the last time." I brought home a check for $271 US dollars, which made everyone here very glad. On Sunday afternoon, we returned to Montreal, arriving at 8h00 PM, having traveled about 1,000 miles.

On Monday, I called home from the Procure. Maman informed me that two letters were waiting for me: one from Canada, from the Canadian University Services Overseas with the disappointing news about the Asian program, and another from Hong Kong via the Philippines. Your note was sent to the EAPI at the same time as our first letter for Canada. On the back of the envelope, there was a message from Bernadette: "Hi Andre, hope you are alright! Cheer up! Bernadette." She was the one who re-addressed your letter here.

In one of your letters, you expressed some doubt about my address in Canada, particularly regarding Montreal. It is quite simple—Cité de Laval is a suburb of Montreal, much like Quezon City is to Manila. While Cité de Laval has its own administration, it is still considered part of Montreal. I hope that is clear now.

With those two letters in my pocket, I felt very sad and very lonely. Your note reminded me of our separation, and the letter from SUCO dashed the hopes I had placed in it. I found myself with nothing to show for my efforts. When I arrived home, my brother-in-law Jacques, Monique's Husband, had just come to take me to their house, where they had invited me for the night. The whole time, I had to show happiness and satisfaction, even though I would have preferred to cry and be alone. They are a loving couple with a beautiful baby, Mary Christine, who is 10 months old, a lovely home, and a nice car. All the while, I kept asking myself, when will it be our turn? When will I be able to give you all this, my love, my wife? It was terrible—still is, in fact.

Later in the afternoon, I returned to the Jesuit Mission Procure by bus, grateful to be alone at last so I could cry quietly, though not for too long, as I did not want the other travelers to notice. At 5h00 PM, I went to the dentist, who found only a small issue to repair.

Wednesday:

At the Procure, a very quiet day, I could hardly sleep during the night. I dreamt about you, you were at my side in bed, but I was not happy something was missing, at one moment, I could hear you, you were writing me a letter telling me why you cannot come. It was painful, happily only a dream.

In the afternoon, after lunch, alone went for a long walk of 3 hours in the old part of Montreal, the port. There is an old chapel where the sailors, three hundred years ago were praying before they were crossing the Atlantic Ocean for France. Before leaving, they were offering small miniature sailboat as ex-voto to the Blessed Virgin Mary. For a while, I sat down in this chapel telling myself how it will be nice if you would be with me Alas! the rest of the day, nothing special.

Now it is Friday Morning. I continue my letter. I will mail it today.  Yesterday also nothing special. Started this letter applying for a post of responsible of Pastoral in a school. Read a book called "Fear and Faith" about the priest. Today this Morning, I will finish this letter, then before noon will go home see if a letter of you is waiting for me. Hope!

Angel darling, how are you? Please tell me how you have been feeling in your next letter. I am eager to know whether you shared my letter written for your mother and how she responded to it. I sincerely hope she can understand the depth of what we mean to each other.

Dearest, let us remain courageous and hopeful. We are meant for one another. From the uncertainty of our beginnings, we found each other in Manila, and I am confident that we will be together again, forever.

Angel, my love, I wish you could truly hear and feel how much I love you. Bala darling, I love you dearly.

It is unfortunate that I am only able to write to you rather than show you my feelings. You may recall that I have never been fond of relying on words alone to express my love. For me, words seem empty compared to the depth of emotion I wish to convey. I prefer to demonstrate my complete dedication through our relationship—using my eyes, my mouth, and non-verbal gestures rather than mere words.

If you were here with me, you would see just how much I love you. All that I do is a journey toward the day of our reunion. Everything I am working for is for you, for us. To me, this is the truest way to express my love. You may remember when I told you how, at least for me, a man shows his love for his wife by working hard and providing for her. That is what I am doing now—my "Nive na Premam"—when I go to see the provincial, when I apply for a position, when I search for ways to help you come to Canada. Each step I take is for us.

Of course, I wish I could do more than just work; I long to hold you in my arms, to embrace you tenderly, to kiss you, Angel darling, and shower you with affection as I did once at the hotel—do you remember? Even this morning, half awake, I found myself longing for you, unconsciously repeating the gestures I would make if you were here. But you were not, and so I stopped, saving myself for the day you will be near me. This separation is difficult, but it is nothing compared to the immense joy I anticipate when we are reunited.

Angel, my love, you are my life, my all. Na jeevam, Na sarvam.

Enclosed with this letter are copies of the documentation, including the procedures and applications that I must complete to obtain your entrance visa to Canada. Please keep these documents safe; if needed, you may share them with your brother-in-law to help clarify our situation and the steps that need to be taken.

Regarding the Indian Embassy, there has not yet been any news. As soon as I receive their response, I will make a copy and send it to you immediately. This way, you will be fully informed about what needs to be done, and your brother-in-law will also know exactly how to proceed. There will be no further uncertainty or speculation about the process—everything will be clear.

Angel, my beloved wife—more precious to me than myself—please take good care of yourself and continue to pray fervently for all of us. No matter what happens, you are mine, and that is forever.

With all my love,

PremAA,

Your Husband, André