May 1969

May 6, 1969 (6-1)

Tender and sweet little wife Angel, mine eternally,

Yesterday morning after many worries got your aerogram # 5 written from your home in Reddipalem. Glad and Sad at the same time, glad to have news; sad not to have you my love, near to me like in our room.

Yes, I also am counting the hours and days of our reunion. It will come, I am sure. I am more convinced day after day that the Lord has sent you on my " Margam" (Path) to show me his path. We are both, one made of steel, the other, as a strong magnet and like them we are made to stick together.

I have read your letters countless times, beginning with the very first one you wrote after our separation from Hong Kong. Each letter has become so familiar to me that I have nearly memorized them all. However, there is one exception—letter number 4, which you wrote from Secunderabad, has not yet reached me. I am eagerly awaiting its arrival and hope to receive it very soon.

It brought me happiness to read in your second letter about your decision to work hard for one year. Knowing your determination and commitment is a source of comfort to me.

Please my Angel, take care of your health. After all, if you get over tired and sick, I also get tired and sick. We are one. No!

Baguio, Philippines - 1968

And then declare everything and get out from the convent with the blessing of your family. So happy also to hear about the reaction of your sister concerning me.  If you have an occasion, thank her, please, from my part. Tell her to have confidence in me; tell her that I am ready to all the sacrifices, to give you happiness in as much as a man can give happiness to another woman. Tell her, my Angel that I would be a good Husband, an understanding Husband. Happy also to hear about the reaction of your parents about us and about how you are slowly moving on to declare your intentions. Yes, let us be tactful and prudent. With times, what must happen will happen… Fatalism?

Here, longing for you day after day. As I told you in my last letter, went last Sunday to preach for our mission with a team of Jesuits of the Quebec Jesuit Procure. Got 307.03 US$.

You see I try my best also to show my good will. It is against my nature to beg. It is also against the condition of my mind to do so, but I do it, nevertheless. I want to show to everybody that till the last minute, I tried to be useful to the community, even though it is like a torture. During the week, go and visit the Jesuit houses all around. Quite depressing! Very little dynamism in this period of crisis in Montreal. The Canadian society is moving so fast. For my part, I feel nearer to this society than the Jesuit communities. Read also a lot about the priesthood in preparation for the final decision that I will have to take in about two months.

During all that time, did not take even one siesta during the day on your advice to sleep well but not too much (remember?). In fact, I usually go to bed at about 11h30-12h00 pm.

Every day, I pray for you, especially during my mass at 11h00 am and in fact, since my arrival in Canada, I pray more than when I was at EAPI. Much more mental prayers... You see, I tried to be very honest with myself and my former vocation but nevertheless I am still more firm in my resolution to be with you forever. If you want.

Next Sunday (May 11th) I will go to baptize the baby of my sister Odette. My Angel, this also is very hard for me. What will she say when I will leave the priesthood? Nevertheless, I cannot not baptize and furthermore I already told them about the possibility of leaving the priesthood.

This situation of course, creates a little stress on me, but my love for you is stronger than all this. Our love will give us the strength to overcome all our sufferings and difficulties Since my return to Canada, I told my family about my problem, our problem. I also was very explicit about my situation to my two Jesuits superiors, the Provincial here and the superior in Taiwan.

Since few days I have started to tell the Jesuits living with me who do not know about my not going back to the missions and who of course are asking me all kinds of questions about my future, that I am in a state of deep reflection and doubts concerning my future. With so many priests already out of the order here, they are therefore allowed to think what will happen and I do not have to be too explicit.

This is my life, here, Angel darling, and how I am preparing for the day I will be with you forever while many thoughts are also coming to my mind; these thoughts concerning both of us. Read my next letter…

May 7, 1969 (6-2)

Darling Angel

I continue what I wrote you last night.

Yes, many thoughts concerning both of us are coming to my mind. They concern especially your happiness when we will be together forever. How I will be able to give you all that you will need and what our family will need.

Every day for instance I look in the newspapers about the possibilities of a new job or a profession. They are plenty if you are well qualified. In all kinds of fields, executives in big companies, salesman, teacher, etc... For me, it would be hard of course to find one, a good one, but not impossible.

Other thoughts are also coming to my mind. Got an idea, yesterday after a conversation with a Jesuit. There is for example an organization called SUCO" a kind of international Peace Corps. I just heard that André Mailhot, an ex-Jesuit (not yet priest) is the head of this NGO in Montreal. I am therefore thinking very seriously to contact this friend of mine to ask him about the possibility of a job. Here in Canada or in any other place in India where they would need my services. I think that my background would help to get such a job and furthermore I think that in such an organization with the aim of good understanding between nations and help to the nations less fortunate would be in accordance with my ideal. Moreover, this organization gives good salary. My friend gets 13,000 CDN$ per year.

At this point of time, this idea is almost a dream to be realized. Let’s see!

I am also thinking to move to India and to work there. This scenario takes care of many problems. For you, it removes the pain to leave your country and your family; for me, it diminishes my visibility as a former priest and facilitate my integration to a secular society. finding a job in your country, would perhaps, be economically easier for us. In this context, I plan to write the Canadian government to find out the possibilities of work in India.

These kinds of thoughts are in my head.

At this stage, nothing has been decided, and everything remains quite uncertain and confused. Despite this ambiguity, what is clear to me is the depth of my love for you. I want you to know how earnestly I am seeking the best possible path for both of us, once we are released from our religious commitments and able to celebrate our formal wedding. Every thought and plan I consider is made with your happiness and our future in mind, as I try to build a new life together with you.

Let us be patient, wise, cautious, but let us prepare our future the best we can. Of course, my darling, this last line of thoughts should not be the subject of your present worries. Now you have to tackle the problems of your religious community and your exit from it. Thereafter, it will be time to plan in detail your material life with me. But at least, for now, you can always react about my plans and my ways of thinking.

As you see, I speak like if my own exit from the Jesuits is already done.

Like you, I am afraid! I have a lot to plan and to work on.

I got this feeling more explicitly today from a discussion with my immediate superior, Fr. Paul-Émile Robin at the Jesuit Mission Procure who told me that the Canadian Provincial, Fr. Florien Larivière, had written to him about me saying that he had not received any feedback from the Chinese Provincial concerning my case. At the same time, the Canadian Provincial was asking questions about me and about my adaptation in Canada; a sign that the Canadian provincial and himself - the superior of the missions, had an eye on me and were actively working on my re-integration in the Jesuit Province in Canada.

The above being said, do not worry my Love. I think that I know what I am doing and that nothing will be able to stop my decision to leave the Jesuits and to join you as your Husband.  I strongly hope that my leaving the Jesuit should come before the end of July. I hope and pray!

Dearest, in your next aerogram write very small. Your letter is always so short. Tell me what your work will be next year. Tell me about your religious community and your position there. Tell me about your family - Did you give the cigars bought in the Philippines to your father? - And above all, tell me about yourself, your inner thoughts, react to my letters. Let us really communicate, let us continue the discovery one another. Let us be frank even if we think that it will a little hurt the other. Love is like this and more than all this. Furthermore, my loving wife, if you need something material that I could give you, write me and I will send it to you. I feel fully responsible for you. I am your Husband. It is just a pity that I cannot send you lot of ice-cream and chocolate…

8h00 am

Slept with you in my thoughts and this morning my sweet Angel, I am completing this letter for mailing today. I will address it to your sister, Mary. She is really very good and very understanding to do that for us.

Hoping for the best that no members of your convent will ever interfere with our correspondence. Do not take any chance on this matter. Act always very, very carefully. Although it is very painful for me, I would always understand if your letters were sometimes not so regular. You have not so much liberty to find time to write. Nevertheless, dearest of mine, never miss an opportunity to send me at least a word. Your letters are food for me, inspiration for my days, motivation for staying alive. As you see when I write, I write on both sides of the same page. I thought that by doing so, it would be easier for you to keep and to read (Although my writing is awful!) It is always easier to handle two or three sheets of paper than 5 or 6. However if, like me, you write on one side only, just mention it in your next letter... By the way. I would suggest that you purchase aerograms while you are still visiting the family before entering to your convent. On this matter, Anasuya and your sister may be of help.

Let us keep smiling, God loves us, and we love each other so strongly. Let us remember that with every tic tac of your watch we become closer to one another. Let us be patient remembering that our suffering of our separation is the cement of our love. When we will be together forever, sure small clouds will come over our head, but soon very soon, they will go away at the remembrance of all we went through to be together. Nive Na premam, Na jeevam, Na sarvam, na Hrudayam? I kiss you and embrace you, my hands delicately on both sides of your head. I look at you tenderly, see your big brown eyes and kiss you softly on the lips. You are mine. Angel darling, I am your forever. I press you against me first very softly, then increasingly vigorously. Remember dearest? You are here against me. Your arm under my head and jokily I tell you that it is painful on my neck. No, it is not painful, and we would stay like this the whole eternity, I would not mind. I Love you with all what I am. May God be with you and guide you and help you when you need it. Now I cannot be with you, but God is with you and love you. It is my consolation.

My dearest and loving wife, take good care of you. Once again, I kiss you and embrace you.  Please do not cry; soon we will be together.

Your Husband, André

May 10, 1969 (7)

Bala darling, my wife,

Today, already a month since our painful separation at the Manila airport. You are however as present as vivid in my mind, now.

I would say more, because this month gave me the opportunity to reflect more deeply on our love and to live again through my memory many episodes of our life at the EAPI. Loneliness also gives me a better appreciation of you of your wonderful judgment and honesty your simplicity at the same time related to the nobility of your all, you’re understanding and forgiveness, manifested so generously by the acceptance of what I am what I did ... not so nice. And I love you and I love you with all what I am, all that I can do for you. Nive Na Premam!

Yesterday, I visited a community of Jesuits. During my time with them, our conversation naturally turned toward India and the many things you have taught me about your homeland. As I spoke, I was reminded of the song you performed for us the other day; its melody lingered in my mind and made it easier to share my thoughts and feelings. Speaking about India felt much more effortless than discussing my experiences in the Philippines or Taiwan.

During the visit, someone remarked that I seem to have a special love for India and its people. Hearing this struck a chord within me, for it is true—my affection for India is deeply tied to my immense love for you.

As I sit to write to you today, I find that there are not too many new developments to share. In my previous letter, I had already informed you about my schedule through tomorrow, including the upcoming baptism of my niece. Regarding our ongoing struggle to reclaim our “freedom,” there is little additional to report at this moment.

One development I can share is that the provincial from Taiwan has been in contact with the provincial here regarding my situation. At this time, I do not know the specific contents of their correspondence, as I have not received any direct information about what was discussed. Despite this uncertainty, I have made a clear and final decision not to engage or communicate further with the provincial of Taiwan, even if he chooses to contact me in the future. I am resolved to honor this decision going forward.

Looking ahead to next week, there are several matters that I need to address. As I mentioned previously, I am planning to follow up with a non-government organization known as SUCO (Service Universitaire Canadian Outremer - Overseas Canadian Universitaire Service). I have obtained the address of their office and intend to visit at the beginning of the week to explore what opportunities might be available. I am hopeful about the possibility of finding work either here or in India through this organization. At the same time, I recognize the challenges involved and know that securing a position will not be easy. I am prepared to approach this realistically, balancing hope with an understanding of the difficulties ahead.

Next week, I will also focus on resolving the issue of my three large trunks, which are likely still in Manila. I have not received any news about their status yet. The reason I delayed seeking updates was that I was waiting for some action from the Chinese provincial; now that he has made his move, it should be easier for me to write to the fathers in Manila and ask them to send my trunks if they have not already been shipped. Upon reflection, I realize I may have made a small mistake before leaving, as I wrote my home address on the trunks rather than the address of the Canadian Jesuits’ house. This might have aroused suspicion about my intentions to leave the order. At the time, I was somewhat aware of this possibility, but I decided to take the risk, thinking that if my trunks were sent directly to my home, it would ultimately simplify matters. Only time will tell whether this was the right decision.

I share these details with you, my Angel Darling, out of fidelity to our promise to always tell each other everything. I hope my sharing of these technicalities does not bore you; please let me know in your next letter if it does. You know well how difficult it is for me to talk about myself and what I do and think. On your side, my Bala darling, please continue to write and tell me everything—every detail about you is important to me. Let me know if you change your mind or if anything arises that could hinder our plans. I love you so much that I want to respect your freedom, even if it is painful for me. When it comes to you, I do not think of myself; my existence is entirely for you. You may find my expressions romantic, but I am not ashamed of them—they reflect the reality, depth, and seriousness of my love for you.

This afternoon, as I go with my family and officiate the baptism of my niece Julie, I hope that letter number four from you will be waiting for me at home. The first thing I will do upon returning from the baptismal ceremony will be to look for your letter. I always open your aerograms with trembling hands.

In my recent letter, I gave you the address of my current place of residence and suggested you send your correspondence there. However, after some reflection, I believe it is wiser to continue using my home address: 730 Rue Roland Forget, Cité de Laval, PQ, Canada. Please do not put your name on the outside of the envelope, as my parents are not yet ready to learn that you are my wife. With time, they will be prepared, but for now, we must remain cautious and prudent.

On my end, I have started to send my letters to your sister’s address. Given the situation in Reddipalem, I did not write your name on the envelope but only your sister’s. I hope this was the right approach. As a precaution, I sealed the letter inside with scotch tape and wrote your name on it, so if someone opens your letters, you will know.

It is now 11h00 am, and I must go to say Mass. As always, I will pray for you and for our future together. Please pray diligently as well. My Angel Chérie, take good care of yourself, and I hope this Fr. Raj has not yet arrived in India. I continue to pray that you will not have to be close to him, as he is not a good priest.

I love you immensely! I kiss you! I Press you on my heart. Our both hearts are united forever. I am yours! You are mine! Faithful beyond death!

Your Loving Husband, counting the days and the months,

André

May 15, 1969 (8)

My Angel Darling, the 8th letter sent to you since our separation. In your last letter received at home Monday you tell me that you have already received only two of them. Hoping very strongly that the turmoil in your place will have an end and that the mail will flow regularly to you. It must be terrible not to have news. I know it from my own experience. It is heart breaking not to have news from you my Love, Angel. If I remember well, you have still 3 more letters to get from your friend Anasuya. 2 others were sent to your brother's address but at that time, I wrote on the envelope Mrs. Thinking that it was the address of your sister. Furthermore, there is a misspelling in the name Morreddy for Marreddy. It is only in your last aerogram I became conscious of my mistake. Hoping that your brother will not be mad because of this. I apologize if so.

In your letter, the last one, you end by a question: Do you miss EAPI? No, to tell you frankly, my dearest Bala wife, EAPI was for me on the part of the institution a rather sad experience. The only wonderful thing was you, is you, you are my EAPI and my EAPI is in India. I have already forgot everything from the Ateneo except our life there. All the rest is nothing, already very far behind me, funny, but true. Even the friends that I made there are fading from my memory. Only you my Angel are there vivid, real and present! I long for you.

My last letter told you about my plans (our plans) for the future. Told you about SUCO and the possibility to go to India (very slight possibility!). After writing, I got little remorse. May be my Angel will start to have all kinds of Hope, not to leave her country. What would happen if this dream of mine couldn't be realized. Frustration for my Love!

Angel my wife let us try our best to solve our problems and realize our plans the best we can. Let us rather stick to our initial program, the one we draw in room 105 at the EAPI. Nevertheless, if something better happens for our future like for example, the idea I got of my going to India, let us grab this opportunity. Therefore, about my going to India is still a dream, there is a very very small possibility but let us not put all our hope on it, Ok?

Went last Sunday to perform the baptism of my Niece. All right. But as I already told you before I felt uneasy knowing the future... it is my life now to feel this kind of split between my mind, my feelings and my doing. It will be still the same tomorrow and Sunday when I will go to preach for the Jesuit missions, about 600 miles from Montreal, Along, very long trip by car. We will be back home Monday night… And my quiet life full of thinking will continue: return on my life, reflection on you and me, on my priestly life that I will exteriorly abandon within a few months. Yes, I long for this moment of liberation! Then, I will be nearer to you my sweet love.

Recently, I have been reading a book titled "The Priest Seeking His Own Self," which has prompted me to reflect deeply on our shared obligation to truly live a life of charity. There is a potential danger that we must be vigilant about: the possibility of closing ourselves off from others outside of our life together. Even now, I sense this risk in my own experience. As we both work so diligently toward our happiness, it becomes all too easy to overlook those around us who may need our help.

This morning, the point became especially clear to me when I thought about my brother Jean-Guy. He is married but not as closely connected to the rest of the family as my other siblings. Jean-Guy is somewhat "special" in our family—ten years ago, he was a Marist Brother but left his congregation. I have realized that I am less inclined to visit him compared to my other family members, perhaps because my other brothers and sisters are more actively helping me, while he is not. Despite this, I know that Jean-Guy needs my help, and I recognize that I have been overly focused on myself. I wonder if you understand what I mean, Angel.

Ultimately, life requires a delicate balance between helping ourselves and helping others, and it is not an easy task. I am sure you see this increasingly in your own life. You mentioned, for instance, that your brother is getting married this year. I have the impression from your letter that your family may not have fully listened to you when you shared your situation with them; it seems they did not turn toward you as much as you might have hoped. I have felt the same here with my own family. With babies arriving—on May 25th, I will baptize another niece, and Pierre's wife will soon give birth With this instance, it can be difficult to speak to family members about our own problems.

It takes considerable patience, understanding, and love to navigate these situations. But, my Angel darling, my love, I am confident that together, we will overcome these challenges.

Tuesday went to take lunch with my brother Pierre in a restaurant. I wanted to speak about both of us. He wanted more to speak about his baby, about everything during the birth of his child. He was there all the time in the delivery room - I also will be there all the time when you darling Angel will give birth to our children - Therefore, I let him speak. My speaking will be for another occasion. Not necessary to speak about going out from the Jesuit. The members of the family know perfectly well that I am dealing with this problem. But to introduce you to them. Till now, I did not dare to tell them anything about both of us.

Only twice with my mother, and on very indirect way, I could touch this matter. Therefore, my father, brothers and sisters know nothing about you, my wife. My mother alone suspects something; in fact, she is probably waiting for me to speak. I realize that on a few occasions she tried to help me by bringing the subject of my life in India. She is certainly suspicious about something concerning India and it is my few conversations about you and your letters, which bring this suspicion. It is therefore only a matter of time before I reveal your name to my family and my great Love for you, plus my decision to marry you as soon as possible. I know it will be a shock especially to my mother. In fact, knowing well that I might leave the Jesuits, she subtilty bring me back to my Jesuit " Vocation". I resent these interventions, but I do not show my resentment. I try to understand her point of view.

Wednesday night, I went to visit my brother Robert and his wife Rachel. I had a meal with them. Since his house is not far from my parents’ home, I went there to sleep. There I got your letter and Anasuya's. You know the rest.

Saturday morning. I continue this letter, started yesterday.  I feel really alone! I am at the Jesuit Missions Procure with a bunch of “old monks”. They try to be nice with me as I try to be nice with them. They know that something is happening to me. I feel therefore that they are on the defensive -.... I am perhaps the one on the defensive. I have therefore nobody to speak to and to discuss with. This situation must change!

Next week, I will go and I speak to Fr. Robin, the superior here to frankly tell him about my situation now after a month in Canada.  I will tell him that that there is more than 80% chance of my leaving the Society and this after a lot of thoughts and meditations.

Since my return to Canada, I spend about 2 hours every day in reflection and meditation with a lot of reading on the priesthood – I just finished the reading of a book "The Priest in search of himself and vocation" and started a new one "Fear or Faith An analysis of the Priesthood).  All this is in preparation for the beginning of July when I plan to make my final retreat before leaving the Orders.

Next week also, I will contact SUCO this non-governmental organization sending cooperants abroad. Let us pray that they are possibilities to work for me there. This is the kind of work I would like to pursue in the future. Furthermore, with SUCO, there would be a chance work in India.

Tomorrow, the baptism of Martin, the baby of Robert and Rachel...

I will stop here. Oh, Angel Darling, Nive Na Premam, Jeevam, Servam. You are mine and I am yours. Tenderly kissing you infinitely. Take good care of you! And keep smiling. God loves you. I love you too. Each minute brings us closer. I kiss my silver heart PremAA as you are kissing yours!

Your Husband, André

May 22, 1969 (9)

Montreal

Dearest Angel, my Love. I am sad, sad and sad!

Yesterday, just received your first long letter summarizing what you did since our separation.

I am so sad to see you so sad. You received only two letters of mine. I would like to be a radio wave to fly fast as the light to your side to console you, to kiss you and to embrace you, to kiss your tears, to answer to your invitation and the invitation of your parents, my future parents in law to assist to the wedding of your brother.

Today the 22nd, it is impossible, and my heart is bleeding. Last night going back home, mamma gave me your letter and a letter from Anasuya, a sweet and nice girl (I will write her tomorrow). I did not read them immediately. I did not want to show to the members of my family how disturbed I became every time I read your letters. I cannot speak after, tears come to my eyes and my heart become near to you so intensely that I forget the people around me. I wanted until bedtime (I slept home last night and not to the Jesuit Procure) then I read your letter and Anasuya's. How could I contact you and reassure you about my Love? I thought even to send you a telegram to India with these letters: I.L.Y, K.Y, E.Y (I Love You, Kiss You, Embrace You. André) " But it would be too expensive. Furthermore, the convent perhaps would become too suspicious…

Therefore, I write this morning my night letter with the hope that you will receive it and the 7 other letters very soon. No, my Love Angel, do not have any doubt about me. I love you more than the last time I saw you at the airport and God only knows how much I loved you then! You are my only and unique Love… (Editorial note: Here, part of the letter is torn and missing).

... Be patient, dearest and moderated, show well that our love is also reasonable, that we are not “little kids” pushed only by emotions. Of course, we will have hard time especially at the beginning, but I am sure your talent and my strengths moved by our great love would be able to conquer all obstacles.

Just got the news through radio that yesterday a terrible cyclone strokes the state of Andhra. Every time I hear something about India, my heart turns in me. I pray that nothing happens to you and to our family.

Last night, after reading your letter, went to sleep and there, I got a terrible nightmare. You were seated on a highchair; people were molesting you. You were crying and I could not help. I was without any means! How terrible. I am hoping that it will always remain a dream and that when you will be needing help, I will be at your side ready; ready to give you all what I can.

Your letter put a doubt in my mind. Reflecting about the mail and the delay. I suddenly asked myself:  "and if the postage on my letters were not enough? “Therefore, the first thing I did this morning was to check and I was really relieved since for India, 0.25$ is the cost of a stamp.: the right amount on each of my letters. The problem of the delay is therefore not on my side. It is caused by the turmoil in your state.

Life here, dearest, is very lonesome without you. Last Sunday, I went with 5 fathers in the North of Canada for the missionary predications. It was a very long trip. 1,167 miles. We left Saturday morning and came back next Monday in the evening. I could make 200 US$ in the parish I was preaching.

When I came back, I called home to get the news that my brother Pierre was now daddy: a daughter. Therefore, for me, another baptism in June.

Dearest, I think that it is time for me to give you the list of my brothers and sisters and their children to remove any possible confusion when I mention one of them by their name. (Editorial note: part of this letter is torn.)

(Editorial note: At this point of the text, mention is made of a letter written by Anasuaya)

… I told her (Editorial note: Anasuya) to be a good friend of you because particularly now you need this warm friendship. At the end of her letter, speaking about her and you she said something. I quote:" I am realizing more my love towards her (you Angel). After finishing my education, I must earn such a living so that I can live with her" I do not know exactly what Anasuya means by these words? Would it be that she thinks to become Christian and a Sister? I do not know. I just tell you what she wrote me as it it could be useful to you.

Angel's mother and Anasuya

At the beginning, I mention a great hope concerning my future job. Of course, nothing yet definite, but 2 days ago, I went to André Mailhot, the director of SUCO (You remember, I already told you about this organization). He is, as you already remember an ex-Jesuit. He really could understand very well my situation. There is surely work for me in this organization. It seems that there could be an interesting position as assistant director for their Asian Branch, available soon. They are also other possibilities here at the office of Montreal or even in India or somewhere else in Asia.

At this point in my life, I am leaning more toward seeking a position here in Canada, and there are several reasons for this change in perspective. Firstly, by working with SUCO and engaging with volunteers who are being sent to Asia, I believe I could accomplish much more for Asia from here in Canada. The resources and opportunities available in Canada would enable me to contribute more effectively to causes that are important to both of us.

Another practical consideration is the matter of financial stability. The salaries offered for positions abroad are typically based on the pay scales of those countries. This would likely make it more challenging to provide you with the level of material well-being that I hope to offer. Ensuring your comfort and security is very important to me, and remaining in Canada seems to present better opportunities in this regard.

Nevertheless, I want to emphasize that nothing has been decided yet; all options remain open. In about fifteen days, I will meet again with my friend, the director of SUCO, and together we will try to develop a more concrete plan regarding my future. It is also possible that I will need to travel to Ottawa to meet with the national director of SUCO. Let us hope and pray that, in the end, I will secure a position that is both interesting and rewarding for us both.

I am drawn to the potential role of SUCO assistant director for the Asian Branch. This position is especially appealing because it would require me to work in Ottawa, the capital of Canada. Ottawa offers an English-speaking environment, but there is also a significant French-Canadian presence. This would be ideal for you, as it is only a short distance—about five minutes by car—from the home of my sister Odette. The proximity to family and the diverse community makes Ottawa an excellent place for us to settle.

Additionally, I am waiting to hear back about an application to the University of Carleton, which is also located in Ottawa. Although I have not received any news yet and that my application is not accepted, there is still hope, as the academic year in Canada does not begin until September. Let us continue to hope and pray as we move forward with these possibilities.

In your letter, you ask me to find you some work. There is plenty of time for this. And when the time comes, I think that it will be rather easy to find something in education. The only problem will be to synchronize your arrival to Canada before the opening of the school year. For example, by arriving in June, I do not think that there would be any problem then. Even so, if you arrive here during the school year, there are still possibilities as spare time teacher. Therefore, on this matter do not worry. Personally, I do not like you to work. If I can manage alone, it would be better objectively but perhaps that in our case, and for you own sake, it would be better if you work with moderation till the birth of our first child. One of the advantages would be as I see it, your faster integration into the Canadian Society; you would know a lot of people, make a lot of new friends and this faster if you work than if you stay home.

You see, my wife Angel, I continue to work and think for the best of our future. Our future will be nice and happy in as much as we prepare it. I therefore do all what I can to plan becoming a good Husband and father.

Presently, I am receiving good training on how to deal with babies with the arrival of the new nieces and nephews in the family. Often, I take them in my arms; so tiny! so fragile! I know how to change then when they get wet, how to put them on my shoulder after the meals to help them burping, etc. You see I am preparing myself very well for the good of our own babies. You, on our side, do not miss any occasion to prepare yourself for your wifehood and motherhood. Let’s prepare our happiness in a very down-to-earth fashion!

About a week ago, I was deeply thinking about you and about what you are doing, and I became ashamed, terribly ashamed, considering what you are now experimenting in your religious community. I was comparing your life with mine, full of freedom and comfort.

Then, I took the resolution to do something. Since our separation, I was smoking much more. Remembering that you did not like it, I simply stopped smoking completely. It is a very poor way to express my love for you and to show you how much I would like to be at your side to help you and console you in all your trials.

Also, I do not want to minimize the saddest of my life without you through evasion, Therefore, I do not go to movies by myself and through my own initiative. It is only when somebody: my family or the Jesuits invite me that I will go to cinema. Another way to be close to you! For me, also, no more Coke. I promise to myself that my next bottle of coke will be with you.

Somebody reading this last paragraph may probably laugh. But I am sure you understand. Words without actions are empty". My letters to you and those little abstentions are signs of my love for you my Angel darling. This is all what I can do. It is too little, but my heart is there.

Tomorrow, another long trip: 1000 miles: missionary predications. I will be back next Monday.

Next week, I plan to visit the Provincial, Fr. Larivière, to see if he received news about me from Taiwan. I will also tell him that I am 80% decided to ask for my laicization.

I would like also to be more explicit with my family regarding our love. No opportunity yet. I am patiently waiting for the right moment. It will come. One of the first to know about you will be Odette. She lives in Hull (near Ottawa) I am close to her. Furthermore, when in Canada, she will be able to help you very much (She speaks English, not so well, but she speaks). I realize that sooner I mention to all our loving relation the better it will be.

My dearest, loving little wife, take good care of yourself! keep smiling! Do not cry too much…  not more than I am crying... Please! I kiss you with all my tenderness and my love. I am yours forever.

Be careful with the sisters when you read or write me. My love would understand even if your letters are not as regular as I would like.

Your Husband who kisses, Embrace, Hug and Love you Infinitely! PremAA! André

May 30, 1969 (10)

Montreal

My Angel darling,

As usual, I am overwhelmed by a great loneliness in my heart, and last night every part of my being was crying out with love for you. Perhaps, wherever you are, you could sense it. This morning, my first thought was of you. I turned to the letter I am sending now, ashamed that it is only 7:00 AM, knowing you begin your day at 4h30 AM. I rose at 6h30 AM, had breakfast, and now I am writing to you.

I have many things to share—a great hope about my future job, immense consolation from your letter received yesterday, and many smaller matters that will come naturally as I write to my second half. Your letter brought me great comfort. I had been so worried about our correspondence, but yesterday reassured me. You finally received my sixth letter, and I hope the others will arrive soon. It seems that the postal service in Andhra is returning to normal and that our letters will reach each other more easily.

Before your last letter, I was fearful that my silence might cause you to doubt me and my faithfulness, making you sad. About your sadness, I was certain; about my supposed "unfaithfulness," it was only a fleeting temptation. Upon examining my feelings, I know that only death or severe illness could prevent me from writing to you. I am sure it is the same for you, my beloved wife, Angel. I wanted my letters to reach you quickly because I understand the agony of waiting for news—it truly is a martyrdom. Now, thankfully, the situation is normal.

Your last letter was written on the 19th; I received it on the 29th, and it arrived at home on the 27th or 28th. So, you see, your letters reach me within a week. How is it on your side? Over the last three weeks, I have written to you once each week. Angel Na jeevam, do you think this is enough? Would you like me to write more often? Tell me in your next letter, and I will write as often as you wish. Currently, I write once a week to save a little money, as each letter costs in stamps 0.25$. But your happiness is my priority, so let me know if you want more frequent letters; money should not be a barrier.

Your letter also brought consolation in seeing how close you are to your mother. I pray that your parents will allow you to be with me when the time comes. I wish to prove to them the depth and seriousness of my love for you, to show that the rest of my life will be devoted to your happiness—both material and spiritual. Only then will I be truly happy, knowing I can care for you and that we are truly meant for each other. I understand your parents will ultimately need to make an act of faith in you and in me, and I hope they will.

Regarding your departure from the community, I believe you are making the right choice. If you do not continue your studies, you would need to teach, which means staying in the community for the entire school year, until April or May. Although this is a long time to wait, it cannot be avoided. During this period, it is important to remain prudent and act according to your conscience and circumstances. My love for you is strong enough to endure this wait, and I am prepared to be patient for our future together.

Please remember to treat everyone kindly, especially your parents. With such kindness, I am confident that our Lord will guide and support us on our journey together.

Yesterday, I replied to Anasuya’s letter with a page like this one. At that time, I had not received your latest letter and told her to write to you. In the meantime, let us continue to be patient, prudent, and diligent. Let us work together to build a strong life of prayer suited to our married life, and strengthen our characters with self-denial, preparing well for our future.

I am keeping my eyes open for good job opportunities, remembering that I will be responsible for your wellbeing and that of our future children—three in total, with the first being a boy (we can discuss names later). This morning, I read about a job opening at Carleton University for an overseas students’ advisor. The position requires a university degree and experience with overseas students, and involves counseling, program development, liaison work, and committee representation. It offers excellent benefits. I believe I could handle this job, so tonight I will submit an application. Though the salary isn’t mentioned, I see many advantages for us in this position. It is in an English-speaking area, close to my sister Odette. Let us pray hard for the right opportunity. Patience and prudence will lead us to success.

Darling Bala, be patient. Everything will happen in its own time. I repeat this because I think your situation is harder than mine. I am physically free, but I know for you, life in the community is difficult. Please, my love, take care of yourself and avoid unnecessary conflicts with the Sisters. Even if you return to me bald or unwell, I will love you always and unconditionally.

I love you infinitely and want nothing but your happiness. May God bless you and bring you joy. I was reading about Rabindranath Tagore, a great man, but not as great as you. Yesterday, I read these words from Tagore’s father: "He is the rest of my life. The joy of my heart. The Peace of my mind." Reading this, I thought of you, my Angel darling. You are the repose of my life, the joy of my heart, and the peace of my mind. Without you, I am nothing; with you, I am everything. With you, I am able to go to God—you are my path, and this is not a joke.

I kiss you with all the tenderness of my being—your lips, your eyes, your forehead. My fingers run through your hair, my thumbs softly behind your ears, just as I did before. A big and firm hug! Good night, my love. God loves you, and I love you too. Keep smiling for our future happiness and eternal togetherness.

Your Husband, André