August 1969

August 22, 1969 (22)

Montreal

Angel my Darling, my wife, I am extremely worried, having heard nothing from you in three weeks.

Today is Friday, and I was hoping to finally receive something, but there is absolutely nothing. I will have to wait until Monday since the mailman does not work on Saturdays and Sundays. Many reasons and possibilities come to mind for this silence, yet I never doubt you or your family's goodwill. If you cannot write, it must be because of your community. Oh Angel, if you are suffering, I wish I could be with you to help and comfort you. Just moments ago, I sent an aerogram to Anasuya, begging her to find out what is happening and write back to me. I hope her answer will come quickly.

In my 21st letter, I mentioned your brother-in-law's letter. I have not yet written my response, as I was waiting for your reply to my 21st letter with more details on how to tell him about my laicization and its consequences for our wedding. Even if I do not hear from you next week, I will write to him, since he is expecting a quick answer.

Mary, Angel's sister and her husband, Marreddy

This week, I completely severed ties with the Society of Jesus. Last Saturday night, I went to the Procure and said my Mass there. On Sunday, I returned to my family and have been at home since. Tomorrow afternoon, I will go back to the Procure for a final talk with the father superior and to say my last Mass on Sunday, then return home immediately.

Much of my week was spent preparing for my work starting September 1st. On Monday, I went with my mother and bought two suits for the upcoming cold season. One is a very nice grey suit with stripes, and I also bought a jacket and a leather winter coat. Suit: $69, jacket: $32, three pairs of pants: $25, winter coat: $69 — totaling about $200. My mother paid for everything; I felt uneasy, but as soon as I start working, I intend to reimburse her for all she has spent.

On Wednesday, I returned to St. Jérôme for a short meeting with my boss and received assurance about my teaching position in psychology, though I have yet to sign the contract. I also met with other professors and later with my students — 24 of them, aged between 20 and 30. I got a good impression from them. During breaks between meetings, I searched for “boarding”, visiting many places, all charging about $25 per week. I also investigated about bachelor apartments at about $20 per week without meals. For ten months, boarding will cost roughly $1,000, but privacy is a concern, especially in a small town like St. Jérôme where everyone knows everyone and gossip is common, much like what we experienced in the Philippines.

Something amusing happened: I placed an advertisement in the newspaper for board, and the director of the socio-cultural organization at the college called, not knowing it was me. His suggestion was that we rent an apartment together and split expenses. It turns out I know him well — he is an ex-Jesuit, about my age. Now, not only might we work together, but also live together. However, we cannot rent in St. Jérôme itself; we need to rent outside town, which requires having a car. My friend already has a car, but the necessity for one became clear when I explained all this to my parents. There was a small black Volkswagen I could buy for $700, but I wanted to wait and reflect on the expense. My mother insisted, bought the car, and told me to repay her when I am able. So now, Angel, I have a small car — not new, a 1963 Volkswagen, but it runs well. My greatest hope is for you to see this car and sit in it. God, hear my prayer! Since my arrival, my parents have spent about $1,000 on me (not counting meals), and they have been very generous. I feel uncomfortable receiving so much at 35 years old, so I intend to repay them as soon as I can.

Angel, my darling, I wonder what you are doing and feeling. I wish I could be with you, ignored by your community. You cannot imagine how much I long for you, waiting for that moment to smell your fragrance, hold you forever, and kiss you tenderly a thousand times. Bala darling, I am your Husband, and you are my wife. I am certain now that no other woman will ever come into my life; you are my woman, my other half, my hope, and my reason for being.

Sweet Angel, I wonder if you feel as I do — so sad, almost dying inside and out. We must keep living and smiling, even though we have no one to share our sorrows. Let each minute bring us closer.

I paused for a moment, thinking about what would happen if we could never meet again. My heart aches at the thought of waiting in the house of a sibling, hoping for the opportunity to join you. It is a nightmare, the possibility of our non-reunion, but a wonderful dream of our meeting again. My mood swings between these extremes, and today, because it has been so long since your last letter, I am sad and pessimistic. Yet hope — tremendous hope — remains, because my love and faith in you are strong. I know love will win; it is stronger than anything. So let us keep smiling, no matter how we feel.

EAPI, Philippines - 1968

My beautiful princess, my darling Angel, please continue to be prudent and wise in your process of liberation. I know you are doing your best, but please write to me as much as you can. Your letters are the nourishment of my life, and I need your presence, which only your words can guarantee. There is a tension between my longing for your letters and understanding the reality of your situation. If you cannot write, I know it is impossible for you, but I must ask.

Here in Canada, summer is ending, and cool days are coming. It will be my first autumn with its rich colors, followed by winter — strange to see snow after nine years without it. Then comes spring, and with it, I hope, you. I will work hard for you, try to get the job with SUCO, and consolidate my position at the college (CEGEP Lionel-Groulx). This year will be challenging, both as pastoral leader (a role students do not value and even petitioned to remove) and as a psychology teacher. I must adapt to local traditions and bureaucracy, and the students expect much from my course: Human Relations, group dynamics, role-playing, T-group, and I plan to use the "learning by doing" method, even though it is risky. Please pray I succeed, as I may not continue as a professor if I cannot go to India as I deeply wish.

My family is kind to me, and everyone knows about my decision. They do not discuss it openly, but I sense some wondering, especially from my brothers, about why I waited so long to leave. They do not know yet that we met, but slowly the news will spread, as my parents and two sisters already know. I am not worried about their reaction; they know that leaving the Society and seeking laicization is not to remain a bachelor. Pierre, my brother, jokingly suggested introducing me to someone, but I declined, saying Canadian women do not interest me. Eventually, they will learn about my love for you, and you will truly become part of the family.

Darling Angel, I hope your family is well. I hope your mother and father understand your situation and are supporting you. I also hope your younger brother's relationship with your parents is improving. Did you speak to him? Please send my respect and best regards to your sister and brother-in-law, and to all your family members.

With this letter, another week ends with us still far apart. May the time until our reunion passes quickly, and may that moment become eternity.

Your Husband, who KY infinitely, EY tenderly, HY with all my love,

Na Prema, Na jeevam, Na sarvam,

André PremAA

Last week, it (Prema heart) was not on letter #21, I was writing it in front of my father

August 28, 1969 (23)

Montreal

Angel Darling, my beloved wife, my love, my everything—

It has now been four weeks without any news from you. My heart is filled with sadness and worry, imagining that something must have happened. I fear that you have been sent far away, cut off from your family and unable to contact me. The thought of you suffering through these trials pains me deeply. I pray earnestly to the Lord to grant you strength to endure, and I long for the day we can communicate once more. Your silence weighs heavily on me, and I hope it is not due to illness. Even in the middle of the night, my thoughts are with you, as if there is an invisible thread connecting us. I sense you calling me, and in those moments, I wish with all my heart that you could feel my presence and love. No matter what happens, I am with you always; without you, I could not go on.

Though I fear you may not receive this letter as before, I will continue to write. I trust your family will keep my letters safe and give them to you when possible. Let us remain courageous and try to keep smiling, though it is so hard. Sending this letter feels like tossing a small pebble into the vast ocean, hoping it might somehow reach you at the bottom. It is so difficult, beloved. I love you deeply, and it saddens me to think of what you are enduring. If God allows us to be reunited and to love as Husband and wife, I promise to be the best Husband I can be, giving you all of myself. You deserve nothing less, and I will strive with all my strength to be worthy of you.

Tomorrow—Friday—is the last day this week for the postman to deliver letters. I pray for a word from you; otherwise, I must wait until Tuesday, as Monday is Labor Day and no mail will come. The waiting is agony.

Next Tuesday also marks the start of a new phase in my life as I begin work at the college Lionel-Groulx. I attended meetings with teachers and a few students; things look promising, but I expect challenges, especially regarding the relevance of my pastoral role. As a professor of psychology, I must prepare thoroughly to offer excellent teaching. Though your absence makes it hard to focus, I will strive to give my best, as our future depends on it.

I have not moved to St. Jérôme yet. With my small car, I will commute for now, saving money until winter, when I may look for a place to live there. Staying at home brings its own challenges—few people know I was a priest, and my presence as a layman might cause surprise or even scandal, which could affect my family. Although my family supports me and does not care about the opinions of neighbors, I do not wish to trouble them more than necessary.

A few nights ago, I spoke with my mother about India, your family, and your customs. She listened attentively as I described what I know of your background, your traditions, and even the food. I told her how you find our food bland compared to the spicy dishes you love, and how you avoid eating beef. I want my mother to see you as someone exceptional, to appreciate your ways—even if they differ from ours. I am confident you will be well accepted in my family. They may initially regard you with awe and respect, but soon they will appreciate and love you in their own way, supporting you if you ever need help, just as they do for me now.

Though I talk about you coming here, I still hope I might be the one to go to India, which I believe would be better for us. In a city like New Delhi, you could visit your parents easily, and there would be other advantages, provided I can secure a good position. After you leave your religious Congregation, perhaps you can explore opportunities for me to work as a teacher or hear of positions suitable for foreigners. Let us stay attentive for such possibilities.

It is now Friday morning as I finish this letter, awaiting the postman. Still, no letter from you. I must wait until Tuesday for any hope of news. It is simply terrible, but I will endure the suffering with patience, knowing that our love grows stronger and deeper with every passing minute.

After this, I will write to your brother-in-law regarding the possibility of obtaining a visa as my fiancée, with the intention to marry within three weeks of your arrival. Although a visitor visa remains an option, the fiancée visa seems preferable. I worry only that your brother-in-law might misunderstand my intentions, thinking I wish to delay our wedding. If you can, please explain to him the challenges around my laicization and the need to demonstrate financial responsibility for your arrival. If he does not understand, I will obtain the necessary affidavit as soon as possible.

I have not yet answered Bernadette, Joe Hubert, and others who have asked about my future. It is painful to explain my decisions repeatedly, and I know I will face more questions when I go through the laicization process. It is so hard to act according to one’s conscience and be free. I hope your freedom comes quickly and that you will not have to justify your choices as much as I have.

Time is passing quickly, and each moment brings us closer. Our future may be uncertain, but I am sure it will be happier than our present suffering. For now, life feels like hell—full of sadness, darkness, and longing. I yearn for you, my beloved, “as a deer longs for running streams”. My entire being is stretched in anticipation, waiting for the moment I can finally hold you, kiss you, and share a home with you—a warm, joyful place where our children will live in happiness. Though many obstacles remain, I believe our happiness will come, rooted in our indestructible love.

Bala (Angel), Mary, Rajah, Lourdhu
(Bala's sister and brothers)

All that remains is to tell you, again, in every language and in every possible way: Angel, my beloved wife, I love you - je t’aime, yo te quiero. With all the non-verbal expressions of my eyes, lips, hands, and heart, I assure you my love now is as deep and strong as it ever will be. I prove my love through my faithfulness, my work, and all that I am. It is hard not to see, hear, or touch you, but my love gives me the strength to endure.

Your Husband, who loves you infinitely with all his heart,

PremAA, André