December 4, 1969 (48)
My rainbow, my pearl, my treasure—Angel, my wife,
I originally dated this letter the 4th, but today is only
Thursday the 3rd, the Feast Day of your village. I hope you are enjoying this
special time. I am beginning my letter now, as I anticipate being very busy
tomorrow. I have examinations to correct for the end of the first session and a
memorandum to prepare for Monday regarding my teaching and my responsibilities
as the person in charge of Pastoral at the college. Depending on this
memorandum, I may have more than three teaching periods per week—possibly as
many as six, which would be much better for my pay.
 |
| André while living with parents |
Yesterday, I spoke with the parish priest of the cathedral of St. Jérôme about the future of Pastoral work at the college. It appears that next year, there may be no position in this field, but they seem interested in having me continue as a full-time animator for student services, in addition to teaching. Personally, I am not very enthusiastic about this prospect. As I have already told you, I would prefer to find a job in the English part of Canada, ideally in international development. However, if that is not possible, I can at least take the animator role as a last resort.
At present, Angel, it is truly winter. The landscape is
blanketed in white, and the temperature ranges from 15 to 25 degrees. I hope
that when you join me here, you will not suffer too much from the cold. Though
winter has its charms,
I have also had some troubled sleep. Earlier this week, I
had a nightmare in which I saw Louis Robert—my only best friend from long ago,
whose friendship has faded. He appeared changed and was inquiring about me. On
another night, I dreamt of you, but it was a terrible nightmare. You were in a
sari, but your face was different—longer, thinner, not as beautiful as it truly
is. Even though you were there, I could not feel your presence or connect with
you as I usually do. It left me feeling very sad, and I am unsure how to
interpret this dream. Psychologists say that one dream is not enough to find
the meaning in the subconscious—a series of dreams is needed. Since I can only
remember these two, I cannot interpret them.
Yesterday, I received two letters from you, both written
from your sister's home. It was wonderful to read your words. Strangely,
yesterday after returning home feeling tired and lonely as usual, I found much
consolation in your letters. When you shared that you do not feel truly at home
with your family, it resonated with me. Since returning to Canada, I have felt
the same, though it was an unconscious feeling until you expressed it. Our
backgrounds, education, and interests are so different from those of our
families. If not for the simplicity and deep love for family ties, especially
for my parents and siblings, adapting would be much more difficult. But when we
are together forever, perhaps we will have small adaptation problems at first,
but these will pass. My other consolation was reading the end of your
aerogram—you expressed your wish to cover me with kisses, just as I long to be
covered by yours, freely and without restraint. I am yours, Angel, body and
soul, and everything of mine is yours, just as everything of yours is mine. We
are truly one, a unique being. As you said, our children will be the synthesis
of both of us—I do not know exactly how they will be, but I am sure they will
be beautiful in heart, mind, and body. Let us pray for them, even though they
are still only "in potential" but "in potential proxima."
In your letter, you asked for $100. Please let me know in
your next letter exactly what happened with the $5 check I sent about a month
ago. I understand your brother could not cash it and had to give it to someone
else who cashed it for him. If this is the case, should I send a $100 check? I
am concerned it might be lost, and you would not benefit from it. Please advise
on the best way to proceed. If you are unsure, perhaps your brother Lourdhu or
your brother-in-law can help. Personally, I think sending four separate $25
checks might be safer than one $100 check—if one is lost, it would not be as
great a loss. Please let me know your thoughts on this in your next letter.
Na Sarvam, you are not yet home since you will only be in
Reddipalem on December 8th. Your sister and brother-in-law are very good to
you, and I am very grateful for that. Perhaps it would be better for you to
live away from the gossip in Reddipalem and stay with your sister. I know this
would be difficult for your parents, so you should carefully consider the
situation before deciding. Remember all I have written to you about this
matter, but ultimately, you alone must decide.
December 8th is the big celebration in your family. I wish I
could be at your side for the occasion. When I imagine being there, I cannot
help but feel shy and timid, surrounded by your family, all looking at me with
curiosity and amazement. I confess, it would be hard for me, and I would long
to be alone with you after the festivities. Would it be the same for you in
Canada? I do not think so. There would be no big gathering at the start—perhaps
just my father and mother at first. Later, we would visit my siblings' homes
individually, and I could even delay these visits so we could have some quiet
time together. My family would understand. Do you agree with this approach? It
is very different from what you would experience in Reddipalem. If I were to go
to India, I would prefer to meet you in a big city, perhaps with only one or
two of your relatives present. Soon after, we would find a home, and only then
would we visit your family. Would this be possible given your circumstances?
You mentioned your upcoming visit to the bishop on Sunday to
request a testimony about your name. While it is good to ask, I am not sure if
this will be sufficient. Please discuss it with your family, especially your
brother-in-law. It may be necessary to have an official affidavit, witnessed
and authenticated by a lawyer, to prove that Bala Theresa is really Angel Mary.
The problem is that your birth certificate says Bala Theresa, but your passport
and diplomas say Angel Mary. If your passport states that Bala Theresa is also
Angel Mary, perhaps that is enough, but we should take every precaution to
avoid trouble in Canada.
It is Friday and another weekend is approaching. It will be
much like last weekend. I will stay at home, wash my car, and correct the
examinations from Thursday. I plan to rest, as I will need it for next week
when I will be away with students for group dynamics from Monday night to
Wednesday evening. It will likely be tiring, but I am paid for it, and in
comparison, to other jobs, it is quite easy. From the 19th until early January,
I will have vacation (though not certain yet). After the first session examinations,
there will be another week of vacation before the second session begins. The
school year ends in May, and I hope by then you will be here and we will be
living together. But always, there is the matter of my laicization.
Since November 8th, I have had no news. I do not know if
progress is being made. Tomorrow morning or next week, I will call the
chancellery to try to get more information. I will persist. Let us pray hard,
Angel!
Your picture has been taken, and I am so eager to receive
it. I have not taken mine yet, but I promise to do so tomorrow since I am alone
at home. By next week, they will be ready, and for Christmas or our first
wedding anniversary, you will have them. I hope you will not find me too old or
too fat—I must have changed during these eight sad months.
"Que chaque
minute nous rapproche" Prathi nimishamu manalanu daggaraku thechunuggaka
(written in Telugu script). I hope you can read it. I took a leap of
faith with your writing in Telugu or Hindi—please forgive me, I cannot yet tell
the difference, but I hope I will learn with time. Did I succeed?
At home, everyone is well, though there are occasional minor
illnesses. My mother suffers a bit from rheumatism when the weather is bad, but
otherwise everyone is fine. The children in the family are all doing well. Here
in the French part of Canada, Christmas is a spiritual and religious holiday,
but New Year's Day is the big family celebration. On January 1st, the entire
family—brothers, sisters, and their children—will gather for a meal.
There is a beautiful tradition: all the children kneel
before their father to ask for his blessing for the year. The eldest makes the
request on behalf of the siblings. When I was abroad, my brother took my place,
but this year, I will be there to ask for the blessing myself. It is always a
moving moment for me and for my father. If you find this custom beautiful,
perhaps when we have our own children, you can bring our baby to me on New
Year's Day to ask for a blessing. In years to come, as our child grows, you can
guide them to me, and we will continue this tradition together. It will be
wonderful!
I have been interrupted many times while writing this
letter—students keep coming to see me, so I must hide the letter in my drawer.
I hope to finish this last page without further disturbance. How do you
celebrate Christmas and the surrounding festivities in Reddipalem? Do the men
drink a lot? Here, many people drink during this season, though in our family,
only my father occasionally has a small drink. I prefer it this way. As for
you, be careful with strong drinks—enjoy yourself, but do not overindulge. I do
not think it is a big problem for you, but I wanted to mention it. Do you
celebrate New Year's in your village, or is it different, like in China, where
the year is based on the lunar calendar? That would fit well with the
agricultural lifestyle in your area.
Have you received any news from former students or about the
EAPI? I have heard nothing. Now, throughout Asia, especially among Canadian
Jesuits, the news of my departure from the society must be known and discussed.
The Canadian Provincial and another priest traveled to the Far East and met
with Jesuits there, likely discussing my case. I do not know what rumors are
circulating, but I am not concerned—my main worry is about causing scandal, but
I do not think many were scandalized. Leaving the society is becoming common,
and those with a true vocation are not shaken by it. Others, like us, should
move on.
This letter comes to an end. Next week, I will write on
Monday and mail it Tuesday morning, as I will be with students for two days.
Let us thank the Lord for our love. Keep smiling, my wife. I kiss you and cover
you with kisses. I embrace you with all the tenderness and strength I have; I
hold you in one big, eternal hug.
Nive na sarvam,
nive na jeevam, nive na premam,
Your Husband forever, André! PremAA!
December 10, 1969
(49)
Darling,
It is Wednesday morning, and I finally found a quiet moment
to write to you. If I was unable to write on Monday and Tuesday as I had
promised in my last letter, it is because I have been away with about twenty
students and have had no free time at all. This morning, it is almost 8h00 AM,
and the students are still sleeping, giving me a short window to write. Last
night—or rather, early this morning—we went to bed around 2h30 AM, and some of
the students stayed up even later.
I will be able to mail this letter only at 4h00 PM this
afternoon, and I hope that the delay will not be too long so that you receive
it very soon. There is probably a letter from you waiting for me at home. I
received your last letter only last week, but it already feels like a century
has passed since then.
As I mentioned in my last letter, I spent my last weekend
very quietly. I took an entire roll of film with pictures of myself in
different suits, though always in the same place—near my desk and my books at
home. Since I was alone, I had to use a bit of ingenuity to take the photos
without anyone’s help. I hope the pictures turn out well. This evening, once I
am back home, I will go to the store to pick them up, as they are supposed to
be ready. In my long letter on Friday and over the next couple of weeks, I will
include copies of these photos for you. It may be a modest Christmas gift, but
I know it will be a good one if I judge by my own eagerness to receive your
photographs.
In addition to the pictures of myself, I also took photos of
my small car, my living room, and our house. If these pictures come out well,
they will give you an idea of where I live. I also planned to send you pictures
of my family but have not yet had the opportunity to take them. Christmas
should be a good time for this, and I intend to take many photos then.
Unfortunately, my electronic flash is broken and currently with one of my
cousins who is trying to repair it. I hope to have it back in time for Christmas.
On December 8th, there was a big family celebration in
Reddipalem. Angel dearest, even though I was busy with work and could not pause
to write, I was thinking of you all day and felt as if I was at your side. I
know you understand why I could not write as promised—it was for you. This
year, after many years away, I believe it was your first time back home for
these special festivities. I hope you enjoyed the celebrations immensely and
that you were not the subject of too much gossip from distant relatives or
acquaintances.
On my side, the news about my departure from religious life
is slowly but steadily spreading among my relatives. I am not entirely sure
what everyone thinks, but overall, people seem to be understanding, at least
for the most part.
Darling, I love you with all my heart. I am longing for you.
Surrounded by students for whom love is so important, I hold you in my heart as
the greatest treasure on earth. You are wonderful, my wife. I love you
infinitely—one eternal embrace. Nive Na Premam,
Your Husband, André
December 16, 1969
(50)
My
darling Angel,
How are you? Yesterday, I received your letter dated
November 30th. It took a bit longer to arrive, as your aerogram from Warangal,
written afterwards, reached me before it. Angel, na Premam, you asked me about
the progress of my laicization. I can now tell you that things are moving
forward, albeit very slowly.
Yesterday, my mother went to the chancellery for an
interrogatory that lasted more than three hours. She was asked every kind of
question about me, starting from my childhood up to the present. I also know
that the authorities have contacted the other two witnesses. In fact, my mother
had been called two weeks ago, but she did not mention it to me out of concern
for my wellbeing. However, since last Saturday, I had an idea about it—I saw
the chancellery’s address written by her on a notepad.
I am both proud and grateful to my mother for her courage.
When she recounted her experience to me last night, she described it as a
"Third degree," saying it felt like an interrogation—thankfully,
without the spotlights. Still, the rest of the process had that intense
atmosphere. I must admit, I am somewhat frustrated by these procedures. I do
not understand what all these questions and inquiries are meant to change, but
I refrain from voicing my feelings to avoid upsetting those around me or
influencing my family's perspective.
The pressing question now is how long it will take to
receive my laicization from Rome. I truly have no idea. The priest in charge
told my mother yesterday that it is a lengthy process. What does
"lengthy" mean—a couple of months, a year, or many years? I do not
know. Nonetheless, darling, let us pray earnestly for this intention and try to
remain patient, even though it is so difficult and painful. When we are
together, it will be even more beautiful and meaningful. For now, I do not know
how I will endure it much longer. I do not want to dwell on it; I focus on the
present and endure the suffering. I cannot look ahead to the future regarding
this matter.
In one of your previous letters, you asked if you could
write a note to my mother. Of course, darling, you may. I suggest that you keep
it to a couple of paragraphs in an aerogram, as she understands English but
with some difficulty. I am sure she will appreciate your gesture very much.
Regarding our home, once this is the only issue left to
resolve, I will feel free, like a bird. Probably, we will rent an apartment
with three or four rooms, as you described. Afterwards, we can review and
discuss what to do next.
With Christmas approaching, today I will send a card to your
father, mother, and your family—a small sign to show how much I think about you
all. I am glad to hear about the conclusion of your friend’s story from
Warangal. Although it was painful for her for a while, she must now feel happy,
as it was not truly love. What is love? It is difficult to define or describe,
but both of us know what it is. Is it not marvelous?
Angel, keep smiling. I love you deeply and send you a
million gentle, firm kisses—one eternal embrace.
Your Husband, André
December 19, 1969
(51)
Na
Premam Angel, My wife forever,
This past week has been overwhelming, as if the ceiling
suddenly came crashing down on me.
Beginning on Tuesday, I received an envelope from you each
day—your long letter, your photos, and the negatives of your family. Tonight,
when I return home, I plan to take the negatives to the store to have them
developed. You can imagine how deeply this has affected me. The previous week
was difficult, as I had not received any news from you, and I even felt tempted
to scold you for your silence, as I mentioned before. Looking back, I realize
how foolish that was.
This week, my spirits are high due to your letters, yet I am
also sad for another reason. I read your letters quickly each day but have not
had the time to be alone and truly absorb what you are saying. I am aware of
the struggles and sacrifices you have endured to leave your Congregation, and I
admire you greatly for your strength and love. Your long letter reveals a depth
and dimension that I could not find in your usual aerograms. Through it, I
could sense your psychological struggle and spiritual fight—something I had
worried about, but now my worries have been eased. This is the Angel I loved so
much in the Philippines, my beloved wife whom I cherish and long for.
In short, your long letter was the best Christmas gift I
have ever received; it can only be surpassed by your presence. I look forward
to the day when we will be reunited. This Christmas celebration will feel
empty, and I know I will be extremely lonely without you. Yet, I accept our
fate willingly, in anticipation of our reunion. To compensate, I will write to
you more frequently and at greater length during my two weeks of vacation,
starting tonight and continuing until January 5th. For now, I will refrain from
commenting on your long letter, as I am currently at school with noise and
interruptions, making it difficult to share all my thoughts. Additionally, I
cannot write too much this time, as I want to enclose two more pictures—one of
myself and one of my home. My photos are not very good, as I explained in my
last letter, but in about two weeks I will take more until they are perfect.
Please be patient, Angel; they will come.
Regarding your photos, I received five: two of just your
face, one of you standing near flowers, two with your sister, and the
negatives. Are they all with me now? When I opened the letter with the first
two photos, I was speechless, my breath quickened, my heart raced, and my hands
trembled. You are beautiful, Angel, even more so than in your previous
pictures. On the two close-up photos, I noticed a slight difference from how
you look in reality—the upper part of your head was familiar, but something about
your cheek seemed different. I concluded it was simply the way you were
photographed, because in the other pictures you are as beautiful as ever—my
Angel, my wife, my life, my happiness, my reason for being. I am immensely
grateful to you and your sister, and I will write her a letter to thank her
soon.
It is Friday afternoon, the last before the Christmas
vacation begins. The students are singing carols, and I have finished all my
work—preparing questions for the final exam in Human Relations, submitting
administrative reports, and soon I will head home, driving carefully on
slippery, snow-covered roads. Tomorrow, I plan to visit the library to buy
books on social psychology for the next semester, as there is a significant
discount available. I am unsure of my Christmas plans and whether I will attend
midnight Mass with my family. The church is right across from our home, and
since my neighbors know I was a priest, it might seem odd for me to be at Mass
as a layman. On Sundays, I attend Mass at a different parish where I am not
known. Therefore, I will likely stay home and babysit for my brother and his
wife so they can go to Mass. The next morning, I will go to Mass myself, and
during that time, I will think of you, just as I am sure you will be thinking
of me during your Christmas Mass.
I will remember our Christmas last year with Angela (Editorial
note: EAPI student) in Baguio, reliving memories from the Mass to our
wedding morning, climbing Mount St. Thomas, returning to Manila, and staying at
that less-than-ideal hotel. These days will be difficult but let us be brave
and focus on our great hope.
Angel, my love, I shower you with kisses and attention. I
look into your eyes to see what you need and wish I could give myself to you,
though I know it is impossible for now. I want you to see how much I love you
and hear my voice telling you, "Angel, my darling, I love you, Nive Na
premam, Je t'aime." I long to kiss you until night falls and carry you to
our bed, where we would be united—a true expression of our love. You can hardly
imagine how gentle and tender I would be. "Que chaque minute nous rapproche!"
If there is something you need, it is courage and patience. We must learn to
wait; it is difficult, but love can surpass all obstacles.
In one of your recent letters, you mentioned praying that I
would find a job I truly enjoy. This week, I sent my curriculum vitae to a job
agency for an international cooperation organization in Ottawa. We will see
what happens. My first objective remains unchanged, and I hope to achieve it.
If not, although there is no definite work for me next year as a pastoral
leader, I could take on roles in socio-cultural activities at the college or as
a full-time teacher. I have offers for both and will decide in February. Until
then, I will continue searching for a job in international cooperation in an
English-speaking city—Ottawa would be ideal for both of us. Let us pray for
this.
I am eager to have your family photo negatives developed, so
I can put faces to names—your father, mother, sister, and brothers (with the
exception of your sister, whom I know is very pretty, though I prefer
everything about you). With these photos, I will be able to do so. After
Christmas, I will send you pictures of all the members of my family.
After your trip to Warangal, you likely had time to read the
many letters I sent to Reddipalem. I hope you can answer my many questions, as
your answers are vital to me. In your last long letter, you mentioned wanting
to obey me in all things, as if my words were God's. I understand what you
mean, but I want to ensure you never feel obligated to obey me, as I am neither
your master nor are you my subject. Angel, you are my equal, and in many
respects, you are even better. You often see things I cannot or did not see, so
I need your advice and perspective. We complement each other: I am your king
and you are my queen, your God and my Goddess, Yang and Yin. I am great because
you are; you are great because I am.
It is already 4 o’clock, and I have been interrupted many
times while writing this letter—students coming to my office without any real
reason. I kept quiet, remembering how you are often disturbed when writing to
me at home, and it helped me practice patience and kindness. See, wife, how
much good you do for me, even when you are not directly present. What will it
be like when we are together in flesh and spirit?
This is the fourth and final page for now. I will write
again at the beginning of next week, and you should receive this letter after
Christmas, hopefully before the new year. It will be a bittersweet first
anniversary of our marriage, but also a good one when compared to last year. We
have come a long way toward our ultimate union. Angel, keep smiling your
beautiful smile. I love you and kiss you millions of times—one long, sweet,
eternal embrace. My respects to your family.
Your Husband, André
December 23, 1969
(52-1)
Angel, my love forever,
It is Tuesday morning, and I am at home on vacation.
Normally, on this day, I send you an aerogram, but with Christmas approaching,
some extra time on my hands, and a promise made last week to write a longer
letter, I am here to share my heart with you. In this letter, I do not intend
to comment on your long letter as I mentioned I would—that will likely come on
another occasion. For now, I simply wish to share with you my thoughts,
feelings, and memories during this Christmas period, especially recalling the
happiness we experienced last year. There is so much on my mind.
Since our separation, I have felt a persistent loneliness,
but never as intensely as I do now. No matter what I do, I feel incomplete—a
shadow reaching blindly for something to hold onto: you, Angel. Even my sleep
is unsettled. For example, last night I went to bed after midnight but could
not fall asleep, plagued by insomnia until perhaps 2h00 AM. This morning, I was
up by 6h00 AM, thinking only of writing to you, as it is currently my only
means of reaching you.
This afternoon, I plan to visit my sister Monique, who will
be alone since her Husband is working. I will use this opportunity to speak to
her about you and bring your beautiful pictures with me. It will be my formal
introduction of you to her. Please do not worry or feel any inferiority
complex, as you mentioned in your long letter. There is no danger of appearing
dumb—you are truly remarkable and possess great class. I am confident that my
family will accept you warmly. Of course, there may be some initial shyness,
especially given that it will be the first contact with Asia for my family,
except for Odette who has traveled in Taiwan, Hong Kong, the Philippines, and
Japan. Nonetheless, my family will be sympathetic and do their best to make you
feel at home. They will even try to speak English, though they have little
practice, but their efforts will be sincere.
On this matter, I want to mention something important. In
your culture, the extended family plays a significant role in the life of a
married couple. However, as you observed in the USA, things are similar here in
Canada: a married couple usually manages independently, without relying much on
family members. In our case, my family will always be available if we need
help, but otherwise, they will respect our privacy, especially if we settle in
an English-speaking area of Canada. Our life will be just the two of us. While
this system has both advantages and disadvantages, my greatest concern is your
possible loneliness. You raised this in your long letter, and I admit it
worries me. I fear you may feel homesick. You have assured me that with me, you
do not feel homesick, and I feel the same—with you at my side, no matter where
we are, I will never feel homesick. Still, I worry: will I be able to fill the
void left by your country and your family? The first period after your arrival
in Canada will be crucial. After about six months, we will build our own life
together, make friends—including fellow Indians, since many Indians live in
Canada—but those first six months may be hard, especially from your arrival
until our official wedding.
During that period, it may be nearly impossible for us to
live together constantly. If we live in the same apartment, it will likely
cause scandal among my family members. Therefore, you would have to stay with
my family, most likely with Odette. Of course, I would visit you as often as
possible—every day—but I worry whether that would be enough, and if you might
regret leaving India. This is my concern. Ideally, we would marry just a few
days after your arrival, which is the best solution.
However, we must also
consider the possibility that by the end of April, I may not have received my
laicization, and so you would still have to come. In that case, we would both
have to wait, and it would be very difficult. My fear of your homesickness is
the main reason I wanted to go to India rather than have you come to Canada,
but since that seems impossible, according to the views here and your family’s
judgment, you must come to Canada, and we must face the possibility of your
homesickness together. If you do feel homesick, I would be very sad and unsure
how best to help, except perhaps to give you the option to return to India,
though that would not really solve the problem. I beg you, if you ever feel
this way, as per our pact to always tell each other everything, please let me
know and we will discuss what to do.
Angel, Na PremAA, I have good news that I believe is due to
your prayers. Last week, I told you about my job application to an organization
for international cooperation. Yesterday, I received a response from them—the
Canadian Council for International Cooperation. Before yesterday, I did not
know who was offering the position, as only a post box was mentioned. In their
reply, they indicated that I seem to have the qualifications for the job and
asked me to fill out application forms. They will review my curriculum vitae
and invite me for an interview if I am a suitable candidate.
I am now filled with hope. The salary is not as high as my
current one—this year I could earn about $10,700, but with the Canadian Council
for International Cooperation, the offer is about $8,500. The job is in Ottawa,
an English-speaking city and exactly where I would like us to establish our
home.
Odette lives in another town nearby, like how Secunderabad
is close to another town. I also feel that this job offers good prospects for
the future, as it is with the Canadian government, and I could be promoted.
It seems they want to fill the position soon, so it is quite
possible I may leave my current job. It would be easy to have my contract with
the college revoked before the new semester begins on January 26, 1970, and I
could move to Ottawa.
I would initially stay with Odette for a few days until I
find a boarding place or apartment. From then on, it may be harder to save
money as I have until now, but I currently have enough—$2,200—to pay for your
trip to Canada ($1,000) and my debt to my mother ($1,000). From now on, all the
money I save will be for you and our home when you arrive. If I get the job in
Ottawa, it is very important for both of us. It will be a big change and a
significant decision for us. Do not be surprised if you read in my next letter
that I am already in Ottawa. It may be harder, since I’d be away from home and
probably alone until you arrive, but I do not mind—the sacrifice is worth it.
Take it as a sign of my ever-increasing love for you.
Angel, I am enclosing a few pictures with this letter, which
is why I will not write more than four pages. Do not worry though, I will write
again soon, on Christmas Day, with all the news. I will find time to send you
at least an aerogram as a sign of my love and proof that you are constantly in
my heart, especially during these days.
 |
| André's parents' home basement where he lived at the time |
Angel, I would like to ask you a favor—please continue
writing your long letters. On your small aerograms, I feel you cannot fully
express all you want to say. In your long letters, I find you more yourself,
more the Angel, my wife whom I love. Of course, you are not obliged to send
them regularly, but whenever you have about four sheets, you could mail them to
me. Even if it takes one or two months for one to arrive, I would be happy just
knowing it is on its way. Remember the story of the Little Prince! For me,
Angel, life is hope, and hope is everything that is yours.
Darling, a million kisses, sweet, passionate, and strong.
One eternal embrace until Christmas Day. I love you infinitely. My respects to
your parents, brothers, and sisters-in-law. Do not worry about French or your
studies—they are not important to me.
Your Husband, André
PS: Just listened to you "Baluda" on my tape
recorder, and cried…
December 25, 1969
(52-2)
A Merry Christmas, my wife and my Angel. It is Christmas
Day, 9h00 AM. I have just returned from the 8h00 AM Mass at a parish nearby.
Before wishing a Merry Christmas to my father and mother who are upstairs, I
wanted to come to you first. Angel darling, this time of celebration makes me
wonder what kind of festivities you have in Reddipalem—it must be very nice. I
hope you keep smiling, remembering that if the newborn King wills it, next year
Christmas will be the most wonderful feast for both of us, since we will be
together forever. This thought, Angel, is what keeps me going and gives me the
strength to continue living, especially during these days when I recall so well
our trip to Baguio, with its small problems but mostly with its great
happiness.
Darling, on this Christmas day, let us be joyful. Christ
brought joy, peace, and love to earth. Often, when I spoke about Christ, I
mentioned these gifts—joy, peace, and love. Now, because of you, love is no
longer an empty word for me. It is full of meaning, full of you, and through
you, full of everything. Knowing what love is—the selfless giving to
another—because of you, I can love more and truly. Thank you, darling, for the
gift; you are wonderful!
As for peace, you have brought me peace as well. Of course,
there are many problems and worries, but inside, I no longer feel the tension
and uneasiness that I had in my previous state of life. In this, I am certain I
am at the right place, and I am happy. Joy, too, is possible for me through
sublimation. I can even smile when people are around, but I know that I will be
truly joyful only when I see you, my Angel, at my side—when I can touch you
whenever I wish, see your lovely face, and speak to you, even without words.
Let each minute bring us closer. We are still in our advent; Christmas is
coming soon. What God has united, nothing on earth can separate. This is our
fate, and I am sure of it. Darling, I love you so much—Nive Na premam, jeevam,
sarvam!
Now, for a few updates: Two days ago, I visited my sister
Monique. She was alone, and I was able to discuss our plans with her at length.
She even offered her home to you, should you need it when you arrive. In my
long letter tomorrow, I will speak more about her and provide you with her
address.
Yesterday, on Christmas Eve, I stayed at home and cleaned
the entire house. My mother was at the store with my father and brother. Father
did not go to midnight Mass—only mother attended, and she wanted me to go with
her, but I declined. The church is just across the street from our house.
People do not know much about me, and I prefer to keep it that way to avoid
scandal and gossip. So I stayed home; at 11h30 PM, I watched a religious
program on TV, then at midnight attended virtually Mass, and went to bed around
12h30 AM.
Today will be a quiet day, as in our family Christmas is
more a spiritual than a social feast. As I have told you before, the social
celebration is on the first of the year—our wedding anniversary. Therefore, I
will stay home all day. In the evening, Monique will come; I will see you
tomorrow.
I love you, kiss you millions of times, and embrace you
endlessly. I send my respects to your parents.
Your Husband, André
December 26, 1969
(53)
My dearest Angel, my love forever,
I had intended to write you a long letter today, as I
promised in my Christmas letter. Today is Friday, and though I wanted to keep
my promise, circumstances have changed.
In just a few moments, I will be heading to Hull to visit
Odette with my brother Pierre and his wife Gislaine, who is already four months
pregnant. Pierre visited yesterday afternoon to wish me a Merry Christmas and
asked if I would accompany him to Hull, as he is unsure of the way. This is the
reason for my journey today. Although I would have preferred to stay home and
write to you as planned, helping my brother is a service I am glad to provide.
It is always pleasant to visit Odette as well.
Yesterday, I made a long-distance call to Odette. She
received your Christmas greetings and was very happy about it. Later in the
evening, Monique and her Husband Jacques, along with their little Marie
Christine, who is now sixteen months old, came to our home. During their visit,
I had the opportunity to be alone with my brother-in-law. Following our long
conversation with Monique and Jacques two days ago at their home, Jacques
offered his full support: he is willing to go to the immigration office and serve
as a witness for both of us, and to help us financially if needed. They even
discussed providing you with board when you arrive. They are truly wonderful
people.
In fact, I have laid all our plans openly before my brothers
and sisters, and everyone wants to help us. This gives me great comfort. In my
next letter, which I plan to write on Sunday or Monday, I will speak more
extensively about all these developments.
Angel, I am not sure how your Christmas was, but mine was
very quiet at home. Though your presence filled my heart, I tried not to
display my sadness too openly. I tried to convey our message of love and peace.
My parents were very happy to have me with them. My mother expressed her joy
explicitly, while my father, though not talkative, showed his happiness in his
own way. It has been ten years since my last Christmas in Canada and over
seventeen years since my last Christmas at home. Despite these years, I find
solace in our love and the hope that the newborn King brings to us. You are in
my thoughts and my heart every minute of every day.
I must go now, as Pierre is waiting for me. ILY-KY, etc.
With all my love,
Your Husband, André
December 30, 1969
(54)
My Beloved Angel, my wife and my all,
This Tuesday morning finds me at the college, even though I
was not scheduled to be here before January 5th. I was summoned for a meeting
at 10h00 AM but having learned that the meeting holds little relevance for me,
I plan to stay only for about two hours.
Before I continue, my Angel, let me recount my activities
since my Christmas letter and the one I sent the following day. I will
summarize these events, as my deepest thoughts and the profound sadness I feel
in your absence outweigh anything that has happened externally.
As mentioned in my Friday letter, I traveled to visit Odette
and expected to return the same day. However, a heavy snowstorm—21 inches of
snow—forced us to remain in Hull. This unexpected delay proved beneficial, as
it gave me the opportunity to explain our plans in detail to Pierre and his
wife. Their response was positive and supportive.
(I will continue this letter from home—I am heading back
now.)
It is now 1h45 PM, and I am home. The next day, around noon
on Saturday, we returned to Laval. The afternoon was spent indoors, as the snow
made travel impossible. When the snow finally ceased in the evening, I shoveled
our driveway and helped my brother Robert clear his, as he lives nearby. The
snow was so deep it reached our waists. I emphasize the snow because its beauty
is striking after nearly ten years without experiencing it.
Later that evening, I stayed with Robert and his wife,
sharing with them all the details of our plans. While Pierre and Ghislaine were
already aware of many aspects, they did not know the entire story. This was
true for Odette and René, Monique and Jacques, Pierre and Ghislaine, and Robert
and Rachel—all needed to know everything, and so I told them. I resolved to
share our plans with everyone before the end of the year. Their reactions were
excellent, and they have offered as much help as possible.
Sunday was a quiet day, filled with thoughts of you, my
love. I will speak more about this later. That evening, I attended mass at 5h00
PM and received the printed pictures from your colored negatives. There were
only three prints from three negatives, as one—showing a sister and brother
with three daughters—was too small to enlarge.
On Monday morning, I went downtown in Montreal to buy some
necessities, including three shirts and two neckties. I also went to see an
Indian movie about the Kamasutra. Although the film focused heavily on the
physical aspects of love, for me, it was a poignant reminder of our days of
happiness together in Manila. Watching the young Indian bride, who resembled
you in stature, complexion, and smile, made me yearn for you even more. She was
beautiful, but, my Angel, you are still more beautiful. The memory was almost
overwhelming, and I had to remind myself to be patient; in just a few months,
we will be reunited—not only spiritually and psychologically, but physically as
well. The prospect fills me with joy and longing.
After the movie, I visited my cousin Madeleine, who is like
a sister to me. She is married but without children, and at 46 years old, she
has always been close to our family. I shared our plans with her and her Husband
René. They now know everything. That was last night.
This morning, I went to St. Jérôme for no reason and then
returned home. I had intended to visit my brother Jean-Guy and his wife
Jacqueline to tell them everything, but after calling, I discovered they were
not home. It is unfortunate, as I wish for everyone close to me to understand
our intentions before the new year begins. I will see what can be done before
January 1st. Before then, I plan to speak with my mother and father to share
everything about our plans. Tomorrow night, I will have an opportunity to talk
with my father, and after January 1st, I will speak with my mother. Once this
is done, everything about us will be clear within my family, just as it is with
yours.
With both our families informed, the next step is your
arrival. As I mentioned briefly in a recent aerogram, my sister Monique and her
Husband Jacques are eager to help with this process. This afternoon, around 4h00
PM, I will visit their home. Jacques has a friend at the Ministry of Foreign
Affairs who will join us tonight, and together we will explore options for
securing a Canadian visa for you. Jacques can provide as many affidavits as
needed, as one of his uncles issues such documents. After these discussions, we
will finalize a plan to bring you here.
Now, I need your prompt response to two important questions:
- There is a possibility that you could apply for a permanent visa at the Canadian Embassy in New Delhi. The approval for this visa is based on a points system: you gain points for knowing English, for previous travel to the USA, for having a degree, and so on. With an affidavit from someone in Canada, you might obtain this visa easily. We will discuss this further with the contact from the Ministry of Foreign Affairs. My question is: Is it possible for you to apply for this visa yourself? If it would be too difficult, we will seek another solution
- If you come as my fiancée, you already know that we would need to marry within 30 days, which brings up the issue of my laicization. If no other option is available, would you be willing to marry me civilly until we can have a proper church wedding? This civil marriage would simply allow us to provide proof of our marriage within the required time frame. We would not actually live together; you could continue to stay with Odette, Monique, or someone else. Our families would not have to know about this ceremony. Please, Angel, answer me very quickly regarding these two questions, as they are very important to me.
Let
us continue to keep smiling and to work hard. Let us also have great hope. God
is with us Angel,
But
my love may our Re-Union come soon. Very soon, for if it continues like this, I
do not know how I will be able to pass through. Angel, these days are simply
terrible, I cannot not recall our last Xmas. I am not hungry, I cannot sleep,
slept perhaps 4 hours last night, I feel very aggressive against everybody, my
nerves are twisting.
A
chance that I got your long letter; it makes me sadder but at least I can touch
your words. A chance that I have your pictures; I showed them to my brothers
and sisters. They cannot find expressions to describe your charms. You are so
mysterious for them! But they silently admit you as in front of a very rare and
exotic perfume. I am so proud of you Na jeevam, Angel you darling, how are you?
I think that I am thinking too much about my feelings, about my sadness. For
you also it must be terrible, and I would like very much to find the words to
do the things, to keep you warm in your heart and on your lips. Angel, take my
love and my whole self with it. I would like to give you more, but I cannot,
who can give more than who he is? Love, do not be afraid, do not feel sad, I
told you an instant ago that I do not know how to keep on, but do not worry. I
will keep on.
Love
will keep us alive and will give us the courage to smile and to survive and to
be (in a way) happy. In you, I have discovered it; in me also you can see it.
And love, as you love is wonderful. It is a precious gift.
In
previous letters I also told you about the other work this time in Ottawa. Do
not know if I will get it. As I told you, got an answer back to my application,
send them back formulas of application, from that time, nothing. Let us hope
and pray. It would be wonderful. Got Xmas Card from Anasuya. Got also your Xmas
card; will show it to my family. The day of our wedding anniversary. That day
also, as I did for Xmas, will also write you. If you want to write to Monique
(she is expecting for your letter) Here is her address:
M & Mme Jacques Brosseau, 594 Rue Joliette, Repentigny Co. L'Assomption,
P.Q. Canada
I
write the French abbreviation for Mr. and Mrs. From now on you always be able
to write your address either in French or in English.
Angel,
it is the 4th page. I would not write more since I want to enclose 3 pictures,
but I would have so many things to say, all my comments of your long letter, do
not be impatient, they will come. The most important is surely a reaction about
what you called 2 of your fears, quickly brushed away in your next page.
It
concerned the color of our children. For me this matter is not so important. I
am sure I will love our children as they are. The color is of no importance for
me. Furthermore, at least here in Canada, I do not think that the color problem
is big. In fact, the women want to get your color during summer... But in this
connection, I see a serious problem. Our children will be the children of an ex-priest
and ex nun. How will we tell them etc. Angel, I am sure we will have to discuss
this problem very thoroughly. But after all perhaps, by that time, married
priests will be something usual, and perhaps the problem will not be as big.
Angel what do you have to say on this subject?
Angel,
my little but great and pretty wife, I kiss you with all the art of Kamasutra,
I embrace you according to its 8 ways, I want to please you as many times as
the 64 ways a wife can please her Husband. But all this, is a simple sign of
the depth of my love for you, of my dedication of my abandon in you, Nive Na
premam, Jeevam, Sarvam, my princess, my beauty, my heaven! My flower, my
rainbow, my treasure, my almost God.
Your Husband, André! PremAA!
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